So life goes on

music: Saucy Sailor by Wailin’ Jennys

Tonight I’m tired. It’s been a long day. It’s been a long week since school started. My schedule is already too busy, and I’m not even doing everything that I’m going to be doing this semester. I still haven’t started meeting with my lunch buddy (with the big sister/big brother program) Some highlights since the first day of classes, I worked Saturday night, and it actually went really well. I was on top of things, made few mistakes, and was appreciated by my servers. I had a short talk with Amy and have decided to stick with the Bluegill despite some recent thoughts of moving elsewhere. Working there is actually really pleasant if Jamie (the head manager) isn’t around. He’s just so negative, and makes me feel nervous when I’m working. I think I’m kind of scared of him. So yeah, I work tonight too, and it was alot slower, which is natural with it being a tuesday night, not a saturday night, but the night seemed to drag…. but it was ok, and again, Jamie wasn’t there tonight, so it was a fairly comfortable work atmosphere. I’m pretty good at what I do, and that feels good. I probably won’t be moved to server any time soon, but Amy assured me that when they have room for someone, I’ll be trained up. Who knows, that may not be till this summer, but in some ways that might be for the best. We’ll just have to wait and see. I like my co-workers for the most part, and I’m trying to get to know some of the new ones.
I met Laurina, a girl that I knew in Zambia. That was a surreal experience. I had spent a weekend at her house in Zambia, and my family had visited theirs a few times. She’s a transfer from Hesston. It was exciting to realize our connection.
Sunday my family had a birthday party for Jenica and Maria. I remember when Lenora and I used to have birthday parties together. I didn’t always appreciate that, and I’m not sure she did either, but who knows. But it was fun to be with my family, and I was again grateful for them being in the area.
Last night Meryl and I went to BW’s and then to Steak and Shake, and talked about this and that and the other thing. It was good to catch up with her. Oh!, and Abby G. from Oregon called on Sat and we talked for about 2 hours. It was wonderful to catch up with her too, and hear all about what’s going on in her life. I got to talk to Jennifer too, and that was really important because I hadn’t talk to her since about half way through SST.
So today…. I actually got to sleep in till about 9:30, which will be the only day I sleep in this week 😦 Then I got up, wrote a paper for Bib. Lit about my personal experience with the Bible, and then got an e-mail from Tom Meyers saying that he had definitely decided that I shouldn’t count Deaf Culture as a sociology credit, which means I can’t graduate at the end of the summer like I thought I would be able to. I’m going to fight the decision, but I don’t know to what extent. I don’t know. It’s just so frustrating because I can’t imagine staying in Goshen next fall to finish one course. I mean…. I just can’t. And it’s very emotionally draining to think about that possibility. Then I jumped in the shower, and made a quick call to Tracy on my way to work at admissions to see if she still had her copy of he syllabus from Deaf Culture when we took it together. Then I worked till about 1:30 and grabbed some lunch while I stressed about the fact that I couldn’t print off my paper because I had written it in the wrong program on my Mac so the PC’s at school couldn’t read it. Of course I didn’t even think about going into the Mac lab 😦 Silly me. So I had to eat in class, and then when class was over I went to work at the Bluegill until 9, then went home grabbed some soup to eat while I was studying in the coffee shop at school, I didn’t feel like studying at home, I needed to be in a different setting. So then I read for History of Global Poverty for a while, and started feeling emotionally overwhelmed and called Luke, and he came over and we talked for a while. And then I finished some of my reading and now I’m blogging.
I need some serious R&R. But I don’t think I’m really going to get it, so I just keep going. There’s nothing else to do. Sometimes I just want to through things. Sometimes I just want to cry. Sometimes I feel like my insides are going to explode with all the pent up emotion and frustration. Sometimes I want to yell. Sometimes I want to hate Jesse and Suzi and Tom and everyone else who’s “making my life more difficult”. Which of course they’re not, it’s just my response to them. If only my heart could listen to my head more. I mean, what is my heart doing still loving Jesse!!!! Ok I admit it, I still love Jesse, I still care about him, and I overcompensate for that, for the fact that I can no longer show that, or have it be reciprocated, by being furious at him. But then I stop and I think and I realize that I’m really just sad, I just hurt, I’m just not ok yet. And then i try to let it go, but it’s hard, and sometimes, I just can’t get my heart to stop aching. So then I just go on. And so life goes on.

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