The long haul

I realized the other day that I missed Jesse. You might say “of course you miss him”. But this was different then the ordinary missing. I had been on IM and wondering why he wasn’t on, he’s always on, and I had the vague feeling that I was sad that he wasn’t. Then later that night I realized why Jesse wasn’t on….. I realized that he probably was, but I couldn’t see it because he has my IM blocked (for my benefit). Then I realized how much I had wanted him to be on, not necessarily there, but so that I could read his away message, or maybe say hi…. And that’s when I realized how much I missed him. That got me thinking about how I handle breakups, and I realized that I had hit the hardest stage. The drama’s over. Now comes the long haul. Now I have to go through the really long process of letting go. This is not easy for me. I have trouble not holding on for dear life. Even the pain sometimes seems better than letting go. At least the pain is still connected to the relationship. I want to ask so many questions. I have the tendency to want to lay bare all the details of what happened. To know what I could have done better. It’s hard not to feel that I did something wrong and if I had just been better, more independent, something…. I wonder how I didn’t see. How could I possibly have been so BLIND! I tend to blame myself…. maybe I pushed too hard, maybe I didn’t ask the right questions, maybe I did see, but was too scared to realize it. But I’m trying not to ask those questions, I’m trying not to analyze and analyze and analyze.

Advertisement