The long haul

15 10 2005

I realized the other day that I missed Jesse. You might say “of course you miss him”. But this was different then the ordinary missing. I had been on IM and wondering why he wasn’t on, he’s always on, and I had the vague feeling that I was sad that he wasn’t. Then later that night I realized why Jesse wasn’t on….. I realized that he probably was, but I couldn’t see it because he has my IM blocked (for my benefit). Then I realized how much I had wanted him to be on, not necessarily there, but so that I could read his away message, or maybe say hi…. And that’s when I realized how much I missed him. That got me thinking about how I handle breakups, and I realized that I had hit the hardest stage. The drama’s over. Now comes the long haul. Now I have to go through the really long process of letting go. This is not easy for me. I have trouble not holding on for dear life. Even the pain sometimes seems better than letting go. At least the pain is still connected to the relationship. I want to ask so many questions. I have the tendency to want to lay bare all the details of what happened. To know what I could have done better. It’s hard not to feel that I did something wrong and if I had just been better, more independent, something…. I wonder how I didn’t see. How could I possibly have been so BLIND! I tend to blame myself…. maybe I pushed too hard, maybe I didn’t ask the right questions, maybe I did see, but was too scared to realize it. But I’m trying not to ask those questions, I’m trying not to analyze and analyze and analyze.




4 responses

16 10 2005

Steph- We’re in for the long haul with you! It looks like you have some good insights into how you feel. We’re praying for you!

16 10 2005

Miriam’s right… you have a lot of friends here that are always keeping you in their thoughts and prayers, and I’m one of ’em too! Try not to blame yourself too much, Steph… and if you ever want to talk, I’m always here, either through e-mail or AIM.

22 10 2005

Ditto to miriam and fallon. Letting go is always the hardest part and I know it feels like shite sometimes. Don’t be too hard on yourself. We’re here for you, to talk or just to remember that you’re going through a rough time. Love you, Steph! Take care.

23 10 2005

I love you Steph. You can get through this (i know it’s not easy at all) but you’ve got through so much before with this kind of situation and I believe that you can and will. Add me to one of the people that you can talk to anytime.
hugs and kisses,
Abby Gould

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