Reality

Reality feels a little fuzzy right now.  I just finished my first overnight shift and I’ve been up for about 21 hours.

There are some people who seem to be able to accept reality without qualm, rolling with the punches so to speak.  I can be that way most of the time, but sometimes, reality and what I want reality to be are not the same thing.  Usually in those circumstances, I try to discover any way possible to make them match up.  And I don’t do this by changing my expectations and desires, I do it by trying to change reality.  A really common example of this is work.  If I’m scheduled for a shift I really don’t want to work (say Saturday night), I’ll try and figure out an easy way to switch with someone, etc.  The sad part comes when even if I don’t find a way to change things, or decide that it’s not worth trying to change, the situation still feels a little fuzzy or unreal.  In the situation above a small part of me will feel like I don’t have to work.  Often it’s in direct correlation with how much I thought about trying to change the situation.  Somehow my brain tries to reject the reality that I don’t desire.  This happens with larger life realities as well.  I guess all of that is to say, I’d really like to learn how to change my attitude instead of always trying to change the situations I don’t like… or at least learn to pick my battles better.  And then I want to fully embrace that reality and lose the fuzziness.

Oz (he’s our new cat) is freaking out.  I think it’s because he’s hungry, but he can also just be a spaz sometimes.  But he’s still purring 🙂  I love cats that purr.

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A break from theater and a new job

Music: Everyone’s a little bit racist

For the last 6 months, I’ve had a week when I wasn’t in rehearsal (or production) for a play. I’ve really enjoyed it, and have deeply appreciated the way it’s allowed me to get to know people in this community and start developing a social network. But now I’m glad to have my evenings back.

I started working in one of the houses at Goldenrod yesterday. Goldenrod is an organization that works with adults with developmental disabilities. I’m a caregiver there. I’ve been nervous about not being very good at it, but so far so good. I feel a bit like I was thrown in under-prepared, but as long as they don’t mind me making some mistakes, it should be fine.

I’m going to Evanston this weekend! yeah! Awww… I missed blogging.

My new mantra: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.

Blarg!

My internet recently has been especially spastic, so my online time has been relegated to necessaries (email, the blog my college friends share, wedding stuff), but I’ve been missing blogging, so now that it seems to be stable for the moment, I thought I’d write something. Sooo…

Southside has been hopping, and finding time to get everything done in my life is a chore. Part of the problem is that I’ve never learned the art of only committing to things I can feasibly be a part of. So, I try and give a little time here (the Obama office), a little there (spending time with my family/friends), and never have enough time (or maybe more appropriately, energy) to go around. I find that extremely frustrating. I want to be able to do it all. Some people seem to have discovered the art, a particular flute playing friend in Seattle for example. But it’s not in the cards for me yet.

I did get to play with some of my new Pampered Chef toys the other day. I made mini-pecan tarts that I actually didn’t see I was supposed to put butter in the filling, but they were amazing anyway. And little lemon flavored spritz cookies that are cool shapes because of the new cookie press I got. I’m not sure it was worth getting, but it makes me happy any. And my garden is starting to take shape. I hope none of my plants were seriously injured because I left them out Monday night (not last night when it got down to freezing thank goodness). So far they seem to be fine. I’m starting to fear that the patio is going to feel too crowded with everything I’m planting. Oh, well, I can always downsize later if I need to. So far I have basil, lavender, cornflowers, rosemary, pansies, violets, and hyacinth. I planted some morning glories and want to plant some poppies, forget-me-nots, and bachelor buttons (which I actually think are the same thing as cornflower?? but might turn out to be a different color than the ones I started inside)

My wedding to do list is a mile long with little stupid things to get done. My other to do list is shorter, but more important.

ok, off to bed.

OH! quick rant. Since when can an apartment complex’s office close 4 hours early on rent day??? I’m going to be seriously pissed if they charge me the $75 late fee when I take my check in at the crack of dawn 8:00 tomorrow morning.

humph

Well, I was derailed in my conviction to write more by realizing on Wednesday that neither my Monday or Tuesday posts had published.  I blame faulty internet connections.  Anywho, it kind of deflated my blogging spirit.  But I’m back now and with some fun news.

Say hello to the new part time receptionist for AMC 🙂  9 or 10 hours a week at $12/hr. and working mostly when I want too.  Not bad, not bad at all.

Also, I just finished my syntax class.  Now I just need to pound out the art lessons and I’ll officially graduate from college.

Wedding, stress, wedding, work, wedding, class, wedding, housework…  repeat as needed.

Like Abby said

I should post more.  Blog that get neglected are sad.  Poor, poor blog.  There there, it’s alright I still love you.  I just…. haven’t been myself lately.

So, I did not get the admission job.  I’m very interested to see who they pick.  Reasons it is good I didn’t get the job:

Now I can be in Urinetown if I’m cast
I won’t have to travel my first year of marriage
I can take the whole week before and after my wedding off!
It would have been a fairly high stress job, now I can find one that hopefully is less stressful

I’ve spent the last few days moving into the new apartment.  I miss my girls alot.  It’s so weird not seeing them.

Last night I went down to my cousin’s house and went over the edits I made on her husband’s manuscript with him and had dinner with both.  I helped edit a book that’ll be published soon!  I’ve been trying to make a conscious effort to get out of the apartment and see people every day.  Yesterday I turned in a resume, picked up an app to be a server for the restaurant that’s opening at the co-op in a month or so, and picked up a sub certificate application.  I also sent in my resume/application to 3 other jobs recently.  I check all the job sources that I can think of every day, so I can’t think of anything else that I could be doing to find a job at this point.  I think at this point I’m thinking that I’ll sub and waitress until the wedding and then look harder again.  Unless one of my other leads comes through.

My apartment is becoming beautiful! 🙂  Can’t wait for Mike to come home and see it.  He’s in Colorado on spring break.  Oh, and for the first time I have a close friend who’s pregnant.  Very exciting!

[break for visit from Miriam. yay!]

Now I’m off to see my niece in her track meet.

The people asked and I cannot refuse them

I’ve been finding it hard to organize my thoughts when I consider posting, so eventually I just don’t, but I do want to keep this thing up.  I was reminded the other night by Megan that there are more people who like to keep up with me this way than I sometimes remember.  So I’ll attempt to make some sense of all the things that have been rattling around in my head these days.

First off, some news.  Most of you know, but that’s ok.  I’m moving back to Goshen.  Mike and I have decided it will be best for us to start out married life there.  I applied for a job as an admission counselor at the college.  I still need to get all of my letters of reference in, but other than that I’m just waiting for them to get back to me.  We’re interviewing for a replacement with the kids.  So far we have found one candidate that we like, but are going to do a couple more interviews to give us some options.  I think we’ll probably hire in the next week or so.  At this rate I’ll probably move back in the first few weeks of March sometime.  Possibly the last weekend of February.

I had been struggling with the decision to stay in Evanston vs. going back to Goshen for several months, but two events over Christmas break played a large role in changing my mind.  The first was a game night with a few of Mike and my friends.  The key here is that last phrase- Mike AND my friends- not Mike’s friends, not my friends, but our friends.  We have mutual friends in Goshen, something that would be completely lacking in Evanston.  The second was Christmas eve with my family we went around and talked about something that had happened this last year that was a high point, and all of my sister’s kids mentioned sports that they were involved in, and I realized that I was really sad to be missing out on all of those events.  Being around both our families is a wonderful opportunity.

I’m really excited about the transition and some of the wonderful things that moving to Goshen means in my life.  I auditioned for several shows at New World last weekend including the musical Urinetown which would be a blast to be part of.  I’m really excited about attending Assembly again and plugging back into a small group.  But I’m also so very sad to be leaving the babies and my girlfriends.  I don’t have an really close friends in Goshen.  I have alot of friends there, don’t get me wrong, but none of those relationships hold a candle to what I have with Abby, Becca and Jess.  I will miss them intensely.  I’ve put myself on the fast track to returning to Goshen, but now that it’s actually happening I’m feeling emotionally unprepared for the transition.  Hopefully that changes some as things fall into place with a job and a place to live in Goshen, and as the reality of what’s happening settles in my gut a bit.  Let’s just say I’ve been dealing with alot of anxious energy in the last few days.

Also, I hate waiting for things… like hearing from the college about my application.

Oh and in the last two days I have purchased several things in quantities of 300.  Why does buying stuff for the wedding make me so nervous?

Figures

I only have Liz for the next three days, yippee! I love having only one or the other of the kids. I miss the one who’s gone, but it’s so relaxing to take care of one child instead of two. Anywho, Liz just drifted off to sleep and what do you think started going off in the courtyard? A sledgehammer. That’s right, couldn’t have better timing guys.

A post about Christmas to come.

I forgot to post yesterday!

My apologies for making a promise and not following through.

Alrighty, so where to begin.  The past few days of work have been especially light.  Ray (poor babe) has been sick with a fever and his mom has been staying home with him.  So Liz and I have been taking it easy together.  It’s amazing how smoother the days go with one child.  They always eat, sleep and play better when it’s only them.  Although I think they both have more fun when they’re together.  Unfortunately it’s just been too cold to go to the park.  This is especially sad because I can let Liz have more freedom when it’s just her.  When I have both kids in the park it’s quite nerve wracking.  I miss Ray, but I’ll be sad to go back to two kids.  It’s been a nice break.

Wedding plans are underway.  This weekend my roommates (3 of my 4 bridesmaids) and I are going bridesmaid dress shopping.  Exciting!  I can’t wait to see them in all the pretty dresses.  I also want to pick out a veil style.

Let me take a moment to go on a veil tangent.  I never thought I would wear a veil.  It seemed a slightly antiquated tradition, and somewhat over the top for my simplistic tastes.  Not that I thought they looked bad on other brides, or think they shouldn’t be worn.  No, with most traditions that originated in patriarchal, malecentric ways I feel that they have lost their original meaning enough that I’m not put off by them.  It was more a style choice.  But then I went dress shopping (a couple years ago the first time I was engaged) and although it was super fun to try on the dresses by themselves, it wasn’t until a couple dresses in when the attendant fetched a veil and secured it on my head that I was overwhelmed with the fact that I was getting married.  I felt like a bride.  I realize that this is because of the stereotype, but it doesn’t really matter all that much why, the veil makes me feel excited and giddy and melty.  So I changed my mind.

I get to see my brother and his wife next week!  I haven’t seen them since last Christmas, so that is very exciting indeed.

Goshen for the weekend

I’m doing laundry the “old fashioned” way, one load at a time.  No I’m not doing it by hand, but it’s weird having to switch loads so much and spend a whole day doing laundry.  Also my stupid cat must have slept in my hamper because everything is still covered in cat hair even after it comes out of the drier.

My post almost started “Home for the weekend”, almost.  But Goshen isn’t home.  Evanston is.  Or wait.  Where is home?  If “home is where the heart” is, Guatamala might be the strongest contender.  But then there’s my family (mostly in Goshen) and my flatmates (right now, all over the globe).  Honestly, home is such a vague notion for me.  It has been since we left this area in 5th grade.  One of my strongest desires is not to struggle with what to call home.  I want to feel settled in one place, with my strongest ties in that place.

I love coming to Goshen, but it’s always a struggle making time for everyone and having the right priorities.  It’s not quite as hard when Mike’s not here, because there’s not the draw to spend all my time with him, but it’s still difficult.  I want to spend plenty of time with my family, but there are alot of friends to see as well.  My parent, my two nieces, and my baby nephew went to the zoo today.  I really wish I had gone with them.  But I didn’t and instead got my laundry done, had lunch with a friend and hit up the 50% off sale at Goodwill for some silverware for when Becca and I move into our condo (Abby owns all the silverware).

Work is stressful.  But it’s getting better and Erini is working out really well.  It’s so nice having someone I’m comfortable with and who I know isn’t going to flake out on me.  I was dreading the summer with the other woman we had hired because she was tiresome to be around all day for a variety of reason, and I’m so thankful she quite.  I’m not usually so turned off by a person, so I was surprised/concerned about my response to her.  But she’s gone, and for the most part I’m just not worrying about it. The really interesting thing was that the girls didn’t like her either (especially Liz) which I just chalked up to her being a stranger, but they’ve taken to Erini alot better.

Ray (my new little boy) is growing on my quite a bit.  At first I was skeptical about having a boy to work with since I’d been with the girls for so long, but I think mostly I was reacting to the idea of learning to know any new baby.  I’m going to miss Rose so very much.  She’s my little sweetheart.  I hope to visit her in Seattle sometime next year when I go out to see some of my friends, but I realize she probably won’t remember me!  More than likely she will never really remember who I am.  I find that very strange, since I’ll never forget her, and she means so much to me.  It makes me sad.

Abby (Oregon friend who’s getting married) changed her date to the 14th!  So I’m going to Oregon twice in a month’s time.  And Mike’s going with me 😀  Grrr.. but it’s expensive even for a short weekend trip.  Sigh.  I get to go try on bride’s maid’s dresses tomorrow though so that’s exciting.

Alright I think I’m done with random updates.

No word on the co-op, although we’re supposed to go to a co-op meeting on the 9th so that people can meet us if they want.  the 9th also happens to be the half-way mark for Mike’s trip.  Can’t come fast enough.

Interview IV

First of all I want to say it’s really hard to be satisfied with these answers because the questions were so amazing and thought provoking!  Thankyou so much for the challenge Mel.

1. In answer to Flutter’s question about the most important thing about you, you replied, “when I was 9 my parents and I moved to Zambia.” Wow! What are some of your best or most vivid memories of that time and place?
There are so many!  Like the time that my dad killed a spitting cobra that almost attacked my mom by throwing a hammer at it and hitting it in the head.  Or the way the world looks at night when there’s no artificial light for kilometers and kilometers in all directions.  Or going swimming on horseback and learning to jump at the tiny British expatriate school that I attended for a few months.  Or the first time I saw the mist and heard the roar of Victoria Falls.  Or being charged by a rino when my dad drove too close.  Or when a couple of my friends were almost run over by a runaway ox and cart at the little play set by my house.  Or my mom crying because we were told by the mission board back home that we had to leave the country in two weeks (this was later retracted, but we had originally planed to stay for 3 years and only stayed for 2)  Some time I should do a series of stories from those two years.  That would be good blogging fodder.

2. In your post to the person who found you through the broken engagement search, you said this: “I had to relearn to value myself as an individual,” and you also said this: “I made strong commitments to myself about maintaining my self worth and independence.” How do you feel you are doing with these self-affirming actions these days? Has a new relationship posed any challenges for you in still making sure to meet those goals for yourself?

It’s a daily struggle.  I think these are areas that will take continued growth and attention for the rest of my life.  But I’ve made huge strides.  Granted I had a long way to travel to even reach a healthy place, but it feels good to be able to look back and see how far I’ve come.  It’s not really something you can quantify, but I value and like myself much more than I used to.

Dating Mike has been a struggle in a lot of ways.  I have to fight the urge to rely on him for my self worth.  I have to fight the urge to plan my life around him.  Luckily, he doesn’t allow me to depend on him too much, and he has a way of being supportive while encouraging me to be the strongest person I can.  It’s hard road though because it’s a fight against my natural inclinations.
3. As a nanny, what’s the most important goal (besides “keep the child alive”)that you keep in mind, both at the start of each day and at the start of each new job?

That’s such a hard question for me because I’m a novice nanny.  I feel like I’ve been through a trial by fire the past 10 months.  I’ve had two different jobs with very different situations.  Nothing in my past or education has given me the insight or preparation for this career.  So until now I haven’t really had the luxury of having clear goals at the start of a job.  I’m still a little wet behind the ears, but now I would say the goal with each child is to guide them in becoming independent, joyful, articulate, socially and emotionally mature people.  To provide them with the challenges that will help them to grow at a leave where they are able to succeed.  This of course is easier said than done.  Just because a child has the capabilities necessary to tie their shoes doesn’t mean that they have the focus to complete the task or that it’s going to be easy for you to have the patience to wait for them to complete it.  It’s also my goal to find ways to make the family’s life easier.  Oh, and to give the kids as much love as possible.  That’s the easy part.

Day to day I try and keep them on a schedule of sorts.  It’s hard with babies, but everyone’s happier if there’s structure to the day.  I try to take them out every day, weather permitting.  I try and think of new things the girls can learn, whether that’s how to put the blocks in the bucket or how to not chew on books.

4. Just in the posts I’ve browsed, you mention singing, dancing, salsa lessons, “wheel throwing lessons,” whatever those are, fiddle lessons… do you think you will be a perennial student? In other words, do you agree with the notion that a person should continue to learn something new throughout their lives? Do you plan on doing so?

I definitely think I’ll be a student most of my life.  There are so many things I want to learn and be able to do.  I love the creative outlet of art, music and dance classes.  If I had more money and more energy I’d be involved in a lot more classes.  I am hoping to do some “wheel throwing lessons” this summer.  Wheel throwing is a part of ceramics and is how most hand made pottery is formed.

5. You said last summer, “I just want to feel like something I do really touches someone.” This isn’t a question, it’s a statement: I have really enjoyed reading your blog; it has touched me. While our lifepaths are not extremely similar, I can hear echoes of my own heart from before I settled into the life I have now in your words. I do hope you keep going; your honesty and freshness are very neat to read.