the post that could have been

Last night I had a great post in my head about religious covering for women and what a complicated issue they are.  Somewhat in response to the recent laws being past/considered outlawing them (in Quebec of all places!) and somewhat in response to seeing a woman in walmart wearing a full covering.  I don’t know enough about the issue to use one of the technical names.  Unfortunately Mike came home before I could write it, and I’ve forgotten all the interesting things I had to say about freedom of religion and oppression of woman.

But I did want to reflect on my reaction.  First I was shocked.  Special religious head gear is not uncommon around here, but Amish/old Mennonite head coverings are a part of my mental construct of Goshen.  This woman’s outfit didn’t fit into my frame of reference.  After the initial shock came interest.  Who was this woman and how brave she must be to chose to set herself apart in such a dramatic way.  Then came the doubt that it was completely her choice.  But do we ever truly chose who we are, what we wear, what we become?  Aren’t we all products of our upbringing, family history, religion, belief system or lack there of, societal expectations… and on and on?  My last reaction before I moved on was to scan the crowd around her.  Was anyone staring (except me :-P)?  Did she experience hate in our community because of her choice?  The fact that this was possible, even probable left me with a lingering sadness.

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All moved in… sort of.

As some of you know, Mike and I just moved.  We moved across town and are now living with a friend of ours in his sizable house.  We we’ve been out of the old place for a week now, but we’re still not anywhere near settled in the new place.  Now while I realize that this perfectly normal, it’s still irksome.  But Mike and I both lead pretty busy lives, so it’s kind of been an hour here and an hour there trying to get things organized.  I have to keep reminding myself that Mike should have just as much say in where things go, and how things are decorated.  I have a tendancy to know what I want and assume that it the “right” way.

Also, I should be handing over the Assembly job in the next couple weeks!  I’m so excited.

Things to do:
taxes
meet with Elise to find a time for the musical I want to do this summer and work on getting the rights… or at least a quote for the rights
start putting together costumes for the next NWA show
prepare monologue for Taming of the Shrew
finish unpacking
take care of all the stuff in my trunk that belongs to other people, needs to go to the dry cleaner, or goodwill
go to the DMV
and… about a million other things

Blarg!

My internet recently has been especially spastic, so my online time has been relegated to necessaries (email, the blog my college friends share, wedding stuff), but I’ve been missing blogging, so now that it seems to be stable for the moment, I thought I’d write something. Sooo…

Southside has been hopping, and finding time to get everything done in my life is a chore. Part of the problem is that I’ve never learned the art of only committing to things I can feasibly be a part of. So, I try and give a little time here (the Obama office), a little there (spending time with my family/friends), and never have enough time (or maybe more appropriately, energy) to go around. I find that extremely frustrating. I want to be able to do it all. Some people seem to have discovered the art, a particular flute playing friend in Seattle for example. But it’s not in the cards for me yet.

I did get to play with some of my new Pampered Chef toys the other day. I made mini-pecan tarts that I actually didn’t see I was supposed to put butter in the filling, but they were amazing anyway. And little lemon flavored spritz cookies that are cool shapes because of the new cookie press I got. I’m not sure it was worth getting, but it makes me happy any. And my garden is starting to take shape. I hope none of my plants were seriously injured because I left them out Monday night (not last night when it got down to freezing thank goodness). So far they seem to be fine. I’m starting to fear that the patio is going to feel too crowded with everything I’m planting. Oh, well, I can always downsize later if I need to. So far I have basil, lavender, cornflowers, rosemary, pansies, violets, and hyacinth. I planted some morning glories and want to plant some poppies, forget-me-nots, and bachelor buttons (which I actually think are the same thing as cornflower?? but might turn out to be a different color than the ones I started inside)

My wedding to do list is a mile long with little stupid things to get done. My other to do list is shorter, but more important.

ok, off to bed.

OH! quick rant. Since when can an apartment complex’s office close 4 hours early on rent day??? I’m going to be seriously pissed if they charge me the $75 late fee when I take my check in at the crack of dawn 8:00 tomorrow morning.

The people asked and I cannot refuse them

I’ve been finding it hard to organize my thoughts when I consider posting, so eventually I just don’t, but I do want to keep this thing up.  I was reminded the other night by Megan that there are more people who like to keep up with me this way than I sometimes remember.  So I’ll attempt to make some sense of all the things that have been rattling around in my head these days.

First off, some news.  Most of you know, but that’s ok.  I’m moving back to Goshen.  Mike and I have decided it will be best for us to start out married life there.  I applied for a job as an admission counselor at the college.  I still need to get all of my letters of reference in, but other than that I’m just waiting for them to get back to me.  We’re interviewing for a replacement with the kids.  So far we have found one candidate that we like, but are going to do a couple more interviews to give us some options.  I think we’ll probably hire in the next week or so.  At this rate I’ll probably move back in the first few weeks of March sometime.  Possibly the last weekend of February.

I had been struggling with the decision to stay in Evanston vs. going back to Goshen for several months, but two events over Christmas break played a large role in changing my mind.  The first was a game night with a few of Mike and my friends.  The key here is that last phrase- Mike AND my friends- not Mike’s friends, not my friends, but our friends.  We have mutual friends in Goshen, something that would be completely lacking in Evanston.  The second was Christmas eve with my family we went around and talked about something that had happened this last year that was a high point, and all of my sister’s kids mentioned sports that they were involved in, and I realized that I was really sad to be missing out on all of those events.  Being around both our families is a wonderful opportunity.

I’m really excited about the transition and some of the wonderful things that moving to Goshen means in my life.  I auditioned for several shows at New World last weekend including the musical Urinetown which would be a blast to be part of.  I’m really excited about attending Assembly again and plugging back into a small group.  But I’m also so very sad to be leaving the babies and my girlfriends.  I don’t have an really close friends in Goshen.  I have alot of friends there, don’t get me wrong, but none of those relationships hold a candle to what I have with Abby, Becca and Jess.  I will miss them intensely.  I’ve put myself on the fast track to returning to Goshen, but now that it’s actually happening I’m feeling emotionally unprepared for the transition.  Hopefully that changes some as things fall into place with a job and a place to live in Goshen, and as the reality of what’s happening settles in my gut a bit.  Let’s just say I’ve been dealing with alot of anxious energy in the last few days.

Also, I hate waiting for things… like hearing from the college about my application.

Oh and in the last two days I have purchased several things in quantities of 300.  Why does buying stuff for the wedding make me so nervous?

I forgot to post yesterday!

My apologies for making a promise and not following through.

Alrighty, so where to begin.  The past few days of work have been especially light.  Ray (poor babe) has been sick with a fever and his mom has been staying home with him.  So Liz and I have been taking it easy together.  It’s amazing how smoother the days go with one child.  They always eat, sleep and play better when it’s only them.  Although I think they both have more fun when they’re together.  Unfortunately it’s just been too cold to go to the park.  This is especially sad because I can let Liz have more freedom when it’s just her.  When I have both kids in the park it’s quite nerve wracking.  I miss Ray, but I’ll be sad to go back to two kids.  It’s been a nice break.

Wedding plans are underway.  This weekend my roommates (3 of my 4 bridesmaids) and I are going bridesmaid dress shopping.  Exciting!  I can’t wait to see them in all the pretty dresses.  I also want to pick out a veil style.

Let me take a moment to go on a veil tangent.  I never thought I would wear a veil.  It seemed a slightly antiquated tradition, and somewhat over the top for my simplistic tastes.  Not that I thought they looked bad on other brides, or think they shouldn’t be worn.  No, with most traditions that originated in patriarchal, malecentric ways I feel that they have lost their original meaning enough that I’m not put off by them.  It was more a style choice.  But then I went dress shopping (a couple years ago the first time I was engaged) and although it was super fun to try on the dresses by themselves, it wasn’t until a couple dresses in when the attendant fetched a veil and secured it on my head that I was overwhelmed with the fact that I was getting married.  I felt like a bride.  I realize that this is because of the stereotype, but it doesn’t really matter all that much why, the veil makes me feel excited and giddy and melty.  So I changed my mind.

I get to see my brother and his wife next week!  I haven’t seen them since last Christmas, so that is very exciting indeed.

Nothing comes to mind

I’m not sure why I’ve been so inhibited about writing recently.  There are probably mulitiple reasons, but I’m going to blame it mostly on the weather.  I noticed a dramatic drop in my motivation and general mood as the weather turned cold.  I think it affected alot of people.

But I got a kick in the pants in the form of Abby telling me she was tired of checking my blog and finding it hadn’t changed.  So here I am… why does it feel like I have too much to say and nothing at all to say at the same time?  I think I get self-conscious about being self-absorbed.  Which just leads to more introspection and more self-absorption.  Vicious cycle.

Work has turned challenging.  On one hand I have a tendancy to be bored.  The babes don’t need as much “care” as they used to, but they aren’t into interactive play as much as they will in a few more months.  They like to play on their own with you nearby/ will play with you for a few minutes than wander off, and come back later for a little bit.  On the other hand, we’ve been unable to establish a good schedule for the past several weeks.  It has alot to do with the fact that Liz is now ready for one afternoon nap, but Ray still needs two.  This is a problem of logistics, and I’m still trying to solve it.  It also has to do with trips both of them have taken recently and how that can disrupt their normal routines.  Today has gone pretty well so far, and if the rest of the week could go like this we may be on our way to more stability.  One can only hope.  And then in a few weeks there will be something new causing problems.  It’s sort of inevitable.  I tend to alternate between being very content with my job, and feeling like I need a change.  Often the later is caused by a feeling that I’m not doing my best.  I could do more research into what kinds of stimuli and play are appropriate at this age.  Maybe I’ll set a time to go to the library and do some reading.

Mike and I have been talking alot recently about where we are going to live after we get married.  The understanding was that he would move up here to Evanston.  We talked for a while about staying in the condo with Becca and all living together, but recently decided that wasn’t a good option.  Mike and I are going to have a difficult enough time adjusting to being in the same place and being married.  We spent the first four months living in the same place.  Since then we’ve been long distance.  We need to help ourselves out as much as possible, and adding another person to the mix would be unfair to ourselves and to them.

The idea of me moving back to Goshen has also arisen of late.  I’ve felt pretty negatively about that idea, although the more I consider the options the more torn I am.  It’s not that I don’t like Goshen, on the contrary, I love it.  It’s the closest thing I have to a home town.  There are things I dearly miss about being in Goshen.  Knowing more people, Assembly, the college, my family, the natural surroundings.  But Goshen is somewhere I want to come back to later in life.  I don’t want to live there now and get sick of it.  I also don’t feel that there will be very many opportunities there for my current career, and I certainly wouldn’t be “worth” as much.  Ideally I’ll be able to do my own childcare and also contribute financially by doing a nanny share with another family.  This may be an option in a place like Goshen, but is far more likely in a city setting.  Of course (hopefully) that won’t be an issue for a number of years yet, but I also don’t want to be moving around alot.  I also would be very sad to leave the life I’ve been building here.  I feel like I’m finally starting to put down some feeler root in this community and to be ripped up in a few months would be not only painful, but disappointing.  But on the other hand, asking Mike to come up here is asking alot as well.  He doesn’t know very many people up here, and he doesn’t have work contacts.  His internship next semester very well could turn into a job opportunity if we were to live in the area.  One way or another one of us is going to be giving up an awful lot.  It still sort of amazes me that he considers it worthwhile.  At this point we’re still planning to be here after June 7th, but with my our minds open to other possibilities should circumstances change enough to warrant another look.

I’ve been having strange dreams recently where Mike is severely injured or in danger of dying.  Can’t my subconscious just leave me alone!

Oh man, Liz just woke up and started crying.  She had only been asleep for 40 minutes.  Not long enough!  For a little bit it didn’t seem like she was going to let me put her back down.  Thank goodness she’s back asleep.

If only I wasn’t so tired

The wedding was lovely, my solo went really well because I was distracted enough by a faulty mike stand not to be nervous, the new condo is a mess because Becca and I are both working full time and were gone over the weekend, and I have not been getting enough sleep.

But more importantly, Mike proposed on Friday night. I’m too tired to be giddy on my blog right now, but I’m very, very happy. He had a blanket and a bottle of wine down on a small dock down at the dam when I came into Goshen late Friday night. The poor man had to deal with me pushing back the time of my arrival about an hour and a half over the course of the evening. He said exactly the right thing, and it would sound corny if I repeated it, but it was perfect. And it took my breath away.

Then we headed back to his place to get ready for the Brick house “gender confusion” party. I wore a pair of black pants and one of his shirts and ties, and then dolled him all up. Seriously, he cleans up pretty nice. After I finished his hair and makeup and he was still in the chair I fished out his ring (I knew he was proposing that weekend…it’s a long story) and got down on one knee. I got some hand flutters and giggles from him. The rest of the weekend was a whirl wind of seeing people.

It would be a lie to say that I’m not still fearful, but that’s were faith comes in. The faith that I’m not destined to live the same mistakes/miseries over and over again. Faith that love and commitment are not out of my grasp.

The best moment of the weekend was talking with a newly married couple I’m friends with. She advised me to find a time to be alone after the ceremony and before the reception. I was struck by the though of those first few moments of marriage. What an amazing thing!

Finally!

Becca and I are moving on Saturday.  It’s official.  There was doubt cast on that plan yesterday, but it’s been cleared up today.  This is very, very good because we made an anouncement at church on sunday, and we arranged for a van.  I of course will not be there.  I’ll be leaving early on Thursday for Oregon and my friend Abby’s wedding.  Mike’s coming with me! 🙂  I don’t want to be worrying about the move while I’m on “vacation”.  So I have alot to do so that all my stuff can be moved without my input or supervision.  Thanks to Erini, I’m taking tomorrow off to get it all done.

Abby’s getting married! (not my roommate, a friend from high school)  I’m a bride’s maid and I’m singing.  I found out last night that I’m not going to be able to rehearse with my accompanist Darren until right before the wedding.   He’s also doing some harmony on the choruses, so there’s all those elements to piece together, my voice, the piano, his voice. Scary. scary. scary.  Oy.  Luckily, Darren’s an old high school friend and we’ve been singing together for a long time.  It’s just scary for me because the accompaniment usually affects how I use my voice.  I’m sure it will go fine.

Living in the inbetween

Music: Bubbly by Colbie Caillat (It’s been running and running through my head for days)

My very good friend and former roommate Abby recently posted about being intentional on her blog.  I admire that, and I’ve thought alot about it too, have times when I feel like my blog is a bit useless, but intentionality in this matter is not for me.  I’ve come to realize that it’s ok for my blog to be mediocre.  It helps my family and friends keep up with me and it gives me a venue to tell my story.  I do have a personal journal, but there’s something about sharing myself with others that creates a motivation that my private journal can’t generate.  But I’m very excited to see what direction Abby’s blog goes.

I have been a ball of nerves lately.  I’ve been anxious and distracted and worked up.  I’m a terribly impatient person when it comes to life changes.  And some big ones are coming up.  We just found out today that we should finally be able to move next weekend.  I unfortunately will be in Oregon, but the girls have been gracious enough to agree to move without me.  Bless them.  So at least I know now when it’s going to happen.  That’s a start to me calming down.  Now comes all the work of getting ready.  I have been working some in the past few weeks, but there’s much much more to do.  I can’t wait to be in the new condo!  My own room!  A deck!

If only moving was the only thing looming in my future.  I haven’t written for a while.   I’ve been avoiding myself in this medium.  The me that comes out in this blog tends to talk about Mike, about my journey through a broken engagement and on to new hope.  It’s all so good.  Mike’s home and it’s been a blessing to be able to put my arms around him and look in his eyes and remember the ways I love his actual presence in my life.  Things are serious.  Things are happy and exciting and joyful.  In equal measure there are times when things are terrifying and painful and uncertain.  I keep thinking there’s going to be a breaking point, a time when the pairing of pain and pleasure break apart and I can move forward with joy and leave behind the anxiety.  So the question that’s been rattling around is “should I be going so far down this path if it terrifies me this much?”  And I know the answer is yes.  I feel it even more strongly after talking with my pastor and hearing him encourage me to trust that answer.  The “problem” is vulnerability.  My grief bulks.  But it is a necessary risk to take to be happy, being vulnerable.

I’m sure I sound like a broken record.  I’m sure I’ve said all those things already somewhere in this blog.  But the problem is that it doesn’t just go away.  I guess I just have to trust that life has something better for me than repeated rejection.

And little by little it gets better and worse.  Stronger grief paired with stronger faith.  How easily pain mingles with pleasure.

I’ve been holding on so tightly to this part of my story.  My pain, my betrayal.  Because I’m young and it makes me feel more important.  More valid.  But slowly I’ve been turning it into just another part of the storyline.  My past, not my present.  So hopefully you won’t be hearing much more about it.  For my sake if not yours.

An update of sorts

I just finished reading “The Five People You Meet in Heaven” by Mitch Albom.  A short read that’s a bit overly sentimental, but I liked it, and it really is well written.  A reacurring thought as I read it was ‘I bet alot of people turn their noses up at this book’.  But I am no literary snob.  I tend to react to books intuitively instead of analitically.

Anyways, I didn’t bring another book to read, so I thought I’d blog even though I risk waking Liz up with the click and clatter of the keys.  She’s sleeping on the futon next to me.

Hum, where to start.  Work’s going well.  Things have been in pretty constant flux all summer with no two weeks the same.  But this week and the one before I went to Oregon have been the least stressful because I’ve only had the girls while Erini has been taking care of Ray on her own.  I have both girls on a sweet schedule of two naps per day each for at least an hour.  Yes!  Liz is sleeping more than a half an hour at a time!  Those naps also happen at the same time, so I actually get a break although I have to stay upstairs and be vigilant about being quite so as not to wake Liz up.  At least she’s sleeping on a solid surface now instead of in her swing.  But the calmness that I’ve created ends on Monday when Rose’s time with me ends and I get Ray back.  Tomorrow’s my last day with Rose 😦  I’m going to miss her o so much.  It will be interesting to see how I can mesh Liz and Ray’s schedules.  And to see how well they play together.  But at least my summer of too many babies and too many changes will be over.  Hurrah.

We’re still waiting to find out when we can move.  Unfortunately it also sounds like the slight possibility that we’d have condos across from each other isn’t going to pan out, which also means that we’re going to have to wait longer for the second condo.  It also means that we’re going to have to decide who gets the top floor… which is also the group that gets to move in first.  Tricky.  I just want to move already!

Well, the girl’s are waking up, so I guess this is it for now.