Another art lesson done.
This frickin’ class that’s been eating at me for almost 2 years now is just one sliver smaller. And I wrote an entry paragraph for the next lesson.
That’s right, 2 years. I’ve wasted emotional turmoil and a whole lot of money because I couldn’t just buckle down and complete the stupid thing. Silly right!
I don’t know what is was exactly about my last semester of college, but it ruined me academically. Sure, I’m making excuses for myself, but this class hasn’t been hanging over my head for so long simply because I can be lazy and unmotivated, although those are certainly factors. I piled too much on my plate that semester and when I couldn’t cope, my grades suffered the most. My professors extended a whole lot of grace to me then, and I can’t thank them enough. But the fact remains, when I think about writing a paper or reading a text book my blood pressure goes up, I get anxious and I feel awful about myself. Somehow studying has become wrapped up in all the emotions I felt that semester: fear, rejection, shame, weakness, and self-loathing. I’ve gotten away from those feelings, but not in this area. I guess there are still beasts to be slain.
Lady In Green 
You can get it done! We all have faith in you!
It’s interesting how anxiety and homework became so heavily associated for you during your last year in school. I guess I never really thought about the dynamics of that in the context of you trying to finish this class up before I read this entry.
Miriam is right, of course. You can get it done. At the very least, your awareness of how that last semester in school affected you is a very good thing to have. It’s much easier to act intentionally and buckle down when you can identify the roots of your anxiety. At least, such has been my experience. I sense that you’re beginning to build new patterns of success. You get a lesson done here, and another there, and suddenly when you sit down to do homework, it’s not so bad. Just another task. My hope for you is that you can discover that comfort and confidence in yourself with all that you do, not just class assignments. I look forward to seeing that attitude continue to develop, because I have a strong feeling it will as we start a life together.
Discontinuing your WOW account for the time being probably doesn’t hurt either 🙂
Slay the beasties!
The easy part about that art class is that it’s hard to be wrong on most of the assignments. You write some analytical stuff, pose a new but somewhat related question to yourself, and then answer it by delving into your thoughts.
Haha, I wrote so much b.s. in that class 🙂
Good luck finishing it up, Steph! What lesson are you on?