A kick to the heart

20 02 2007

The last couple weeks I’ve been obsessing. About the future, about money, about my relationship with Mike and where it’s going when. I’m so tired of my brain running overtime. I have alot of time to think with my job because alot of the things I do with the babies don’t require me to be as mentally engaged. If I’m feeding them a bottle, or helping Liz bounce herself to sleep, or taking them on a walk, I have nothing occupying my mind, so I think. I think about all the possibilities that my life holds, and sometimes that’s a really joyful thing, but sometimes that’s just intimidating and overwhelming and scary. Yesterday some of the old pain from my broken engagement that had kind of settled into the recesses of my consciousness was kicked up. I spent the evening feeling bitter, but felt better today. But it did have the affect of making me think a fair amount today about where I could be right now (for the umpteenth time) if things had gone differently. It’s quite scary how close I came to making a huge mistake. It also got me to take a step back and wonder why I’m in such a hurry when it comes to Mike. Why do I feel like I have to know now where we’re going to be in a year, in two years. Why do I want so badly to have decided. Sometimes I just get so exhausted by all the questioning and guarding my heart that I just want to let go and say “this is it, this is who I chose”. Why am I afraid so much?

So how do I find a good place. One where I’m still open to the relationship not working out, but also not petrified of making the wrong decision. How do I let it be ok that we could be apart for the next 2 1/2 years? How do I let it be ok that maybe we’ll be just a little risky and “rush things” Whatever that is.

When do you know you love someone enough and they love you enough to make the challenge of marriage doable? When do you know enough about a person to know that you won’t be unhappy with them? Do you ever know? Probably not. A little while ago my mom gave me an article from the NY times, “the things all couples should talk about before they get married”. Mike and I looked at it together. We had already talked about most of them. Then we talked about the rest. What does that say? We’re both flexible people. We’re both looking to settle down in the next few years. We’re really good at finding the common ground, being open, and making a compromise that’s cool with both of us. We both value a relationship/family above career, location, and personal goals. Not that the other things are un-important, but if it really came down to a choice, our priorities lie with the relationship. But I thought all those things about Jesse. Maybe not as strongly with the compromising thing, or the flexibility, and I have my eyes alot more open now, but still. If I could be that blind then, then I could still be blind to things. I have an amazing ability to convince myself of things to get what I want. I can self-deceive to an amazing degree. So where does that leave me? With the strong conviction that Mike and I can make each other very happy, but with the petrifying knowledge that my strong convictions can be hugely misguided. Sigh.




One response

22 02 2007

Ahh…the fear of the unknown!
Who doesn’t feel that way?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: