Mood Swings

22 06 2006

Music: Gracie by Ben Folds

This week has been a week of mood swings.

Ups: Going to Lux Cafe with Emily on Monday night. Getting to spend some alone time with Mike today. Seeing Abby for more than 2 seconds. Feeling like I can actually teach on Tuesday. Concert at the Brew tonight. Cleaning my room yesterday and generally getting a few things done this week so that I feel more in control of my life. Finding out that rent is going to be cheaper than anticipated next year.

Downs: Being tired all the time because I’m incapable of keeping a good sleep schedule. Feeling like a burden and a disappointment. Fear. Being broke because I have to pay my credit card bill next week. Feeling like I’m a terrible teacher yesterday and today. Not having a job for the fall.

I’m such an emotional person! Why? Why can’t I be more even-keeled like the people I admire. I can be really up and really down in a single day. I just want to be happy. I just want to be at peace. I just want to want what I have and what life gives me and not want more. I always seem to want more. More out of myself. More out of others.

So I continue to continue. Life is a multifaceted jungle of emotions and experiences and desires.

I wish I could perform like what I saw tonight. I wish I was actually GOOD at something instead of just ok at lots of things. I’m ok at singing, I’m ok at poetry, I’m ok at pottery, I’m ok at lots of things. I’m always on that edge of security about the artistic things I do. I just want to feel like something I do really touches someone.




One response

26 06 2006

ah! that third to last paragraph hit home for me. you aren’t alone.

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