I am a school failure

14 03 2006

Music: fools in love by Inara George from the Gray’s Anatomy soundtrack

Ok, so maybe I shouldn’t confess all of this to the world, but I’m never going to write in my blog for a long time if I keep avoiding talking about what a failure I’m turing out to be in school this semester. Pretty much that’s alot of my life right now. I’m having so much trouble motivating myself. I can’t seem to turn things in on time, or be responsible. This is a very depressing thing. I don’t LIKE this fact. I’m not PROUD of myself. I’m just sick of feeling like a failure at life because of it. But then I think about it and I’m like ” What the hell are you doing Steph?” School’s supposed to be the main point right now, so why can I do everything but? Ok maybe not everything… my room still hasn’t been completely clean for probably a month, and I have my taxes to do still, and I still need to find a longer term councilor, oh, and find out about taking the math proficiency so that I can graduate. But I’m really good at my job at the Bluegill!! And when a friend needed my time late the other night, it was a blessing to me to give it to her. I’m just not cut out for this academic stuff. Or maybe I’ve got a really bad case of senioritis, or maybe I’ve been making excuses for myself because of what I’ve been going through emotionally this semester, or maybe all of that.

But I got my Bible paper done! I just got it done. Now if only I had my other 3 papers done too. Sigh.

Tonight I went to a community dance class at the old theater in town. It felt soooo good to be dancing again, and we learned two dances that I’ve never danced before: the hustle, and the Argentinean Tango. Can I say that the Argentinean tango is the most amazing dance I’ve ever dances. It’s leads are so subtle and the interchange that has to happen between the lead and follow is so much about finese. EEEEEEeeeee! I miss dancing so much. It’s really good exercise, and it’s just a wonderful feeling when it just flows. Maybe I could become a dance instructor, and do that for the rest of my life….. somehow I don’t think that would be fulfilling. I want to do things with my life that are important in the lives of other people. I want to make the world a better place in some small way. I guess I could do that by teaching people the art of dance, but I don’t think that would be enough. In other news, I’m going to try and get a job as an interpreter coordinator in Chicago next year. There’s a particular organization that I’d really like to work with, but we’ll see what happens.

I’m really excited about Lenora having her baby in about a month and a half!!! If my brothers and sisters keep having children I can work off my mothering instincts on them. Why do I sometimes find myself really just wanting to have a baby RIGHT NOW. I mean, I don’t really want to have a baby now, not logically, but sometimes the desire’s pretty strong. Why can’t that part of me just hold off another 5-8 years??? Jeesh. I’ve pretty much decided that I’m going to have kids regardless if I get married or not. In that circumstance, I’ll probably adopt, but I don’t see why I should have to give up my desire to raise a child just because I don’t find the right man to commit to. The problem is deciding when, but hopefully I won’t have to worry about it.

Have I ever mentioned the fact that I think alot? About alot of things. About too many things. And I overanalyze. Especially guys. I give them way too much credit for having more going on upstairs in the emotional/relational department than they really do. Now there may be exceptions, but I’ve yet to really discover a good example. But I’m sure there are exceptions. I hope so. I just wish guys TALKED like women do. I mean my girlfriends tell me things about their life more than the surface what they’re doing etc. They tell me about how they’re FEELING, and why.

Ok, ok, I’m done rambling. i just haven’t really gotten going on my blog for a while, and I didn’t want to get boring 😉




One response

15 03 2006

Glad to hear you went dancing. Kyle came over to pick up the drum Katie had borrowed for her recital and he commented that we have around 5 weeks left! Holy cow! Holy chicken! Holy sh–! So somehow we can do it. It’s just 5 weeks. We can’t walk off the track and just sit down without crossing the finish line. The end will be sweet, but we’ve gotta hit the tape. Good luck as always and hon, don’t say failure it’s such a ugly word. Maybe at present you are school challenged, like me…

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