Christmas… thoughts

25 12 2005

Christmas is over for another year. How life can change in what seems like a matter of moments. Last Christmas, Lenora and Tobias were living in Tacoma, Karis in Pennsylvania, Andre’ in Indy, and I didn’t know who Dancy was. Last year Jesse and I were together. I couldn’t help but think from time to time today…”what would today be like if we were still together…would we be starting Christmas traditions already that we would look back on in 10 years and smile?…. how would we divide up family time?…. how would we have done that when we were married? I try not to think about those things, I really do, I try to remind myself that thinking about it doesn’t help, but they come unbidden, and unstoppable, and they take my breath away, leaving an ache in my stomach. I know they say time heals, and that it hasn’t been that long, but I wish it would go faster. I feel like I’m being weak when I have those kinds of thoughts, and they happen at the oddest moments. Sometimes they come when I’m particularly happy, actually, often that’s so. I guess when you have an idea of what your life is going to be like, it’s hard to let go. I was reading over some of the poems that I wrote at the beginning of our relationship, and I think they are kind of ironic now.
“Playing With Fire”
I’m playing with fire- and I know this.
I’m playing with fire and even though I’ll get burned
The scars that will be left when I’m healed
Fade from view, ignored by my bittersweet heart.
I’d rather have these emotions
To cling to with counterfeit hope
Than the wisdom of loneliness.

The fire will go out- and I know this.
He is not who I think he is, I am not who he thinks I am.
We are seeing the pictures of each other we long to have;
Not the reality of human distance and imperfection.
Even the imperfections seem golden.
Infatuation tints the canvas of our character
The rosy hues of who we want to be.

But I will dream my dream;
Bask in its quickly fading glory.
I will dance under the African stars;
Wallow in the loneliness of my maiden solitude;
Fly to his side amide the promise of a grand adventure.
All the while knowing that the spell will break
Without the knight waiting for me at the end.

I’m playing with fire- and I know this.
So I will dance on the flames;
Sing sweetly about them as I pine;
And should I finally have that grand adventure,
I will pore the burning embers into the wonder of it all.
Let the fire burn, let the scares come, let pain be my handmaid,
My dreams will be sweet tonight.
“Bitter Memories”
I’m waiting for you tire of me,
like an enchanting song
that you played once too many times

I’m waiting for the catch
that thing that makes happiness hollow
leaving you grasping at figmentive wishes.

The Dreamer asks “Where is your hope?”

The Romantic asks “Where are your starry eyes?”

The Bitterness simply says “Remember”
Interesting isn’t it…. Sweetest dreams world.




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