I’m back

10 12 2005

Soo… I didn’t blog in the last couple weeks of China SST because I was so focused on doing all the late minute things I wanted to do before leaving Chengdu, and then in Hong Kong and Shanghai there really wasn’t a good place to do it, and now being home I’ve been spending the last week catching up with people and dealing with stuff…..like…
Possibly living in the apartment. First with Suzi and Crystal, then maybe Crystal and Joanne…now I’m just living at home. Phew… that was a stressful few days figuring out that whole mess. Crystal and Suzi are going to have to move out, and I feel so bad for Crystal, and kind of mad at Jesse and Suzi for putting her in this position. If you want my honest opinion, I think they should take responsibility for their actions and pay for the extra person between them. It’s one of the few things about this whole saga that I’m still mad about. Most things I’m just sad about.
So now I still have to move into my room here at home. Did I mention that my parents are in a new house (and so am I) but that most of my stuff is still over at the old house that Karis and Matt are living in now? So that’s going to take time.
I’m starting work on Tuesday. I’m nervous about that because it’s a stressful job already, but I’ve been out of the swing of working for a while, so it’s going to be doubly hard, plus I’m probably going to have to get used to new servers and new server assistants.
Seeing Jesse again for the first time was really hard. So was seeing Suzi. It’s just painful. Not that I hate either of them, and not that we’re not kind to one another (although there have been some things I’d consider unkind coming my way from Jesse… but that’s perspective). It’s just that… it feels like my heart’s being stomped on. The hardest part of this whole thing of coming back has been realizing that I’m not over Jesse. I knew I wasn’t completely over him, but I certainly didn’t think it would be this bad. I can’t believe that I still care about him this much!!! I can’t believe how jealous of Suzi I am.
Another thing that surprised me was how much the stress of everything took a toll on my body. I lost my appetite almost completely, and some points when I tried to eat I really thought I was going to hurl… I’ve been an emotional wreck. AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!……
Soo….. yeah, life has been stressful, and I’ve been having some really hard moments/hours/days in the last week. But there have been some wonderful things too, and I’ll blog about those tomorrow.
I’m just thankful that I have so much to be thankful for. It’s hard to remember sometimes what all of them are, but I can remember that I have alot, and then it puts this pain in perspective. But sometimes I just want to wallow in it too (wrinkly nosed scrunch pouty face)




One response

11 12 2005

In response to your “(wrinkly nosed scrunch pouty face)”, I would like to offer a “really massive big warm fuzzy hug”! I think you’re dealing with all of this admirably well.

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