Teaching, Ray, Homesickness, and a Terrible, Horrible, Very Bad Day

27 10 2005

Today I got up early and went with a few of the girls in the group and Karen to a school for mentally handicapped kids. We weren’t able to see very much, but we learned alot, and it seems like a good establishment. It’s one of the only openly Christian social organizations in this area, and it is fully run by Chinese people, although it’s mostly funded by a Church organization in Norway. Then Jess and I bought some street sweeper’s brooms that look exactly like witch’s brooms that we’ll use for the Halloween party we’re hosting on Sunday. Then I preped for class, and I don’t know exactly how it happened, but I somehow convinced myself that I needed to be there an hour before I needed to. So I read for a while and then I taught class. I’ve never ever had the axact same group of people twice in class. I think there were only 2 people in common between last week’s class and this week’s. The numbers are never the same either. In one week I have about 24 another maybe 35, maybe I’m a bad teacher because the numbers have been smaller lately. It’s hard when I can’t rely on them to do anything for homework, even simple stuff. And when it’s like pulling teeth to get them to do stuff. After I got back I had BBQ with Hannah. It was wonderful. Then I watched the rest of Amadeus from the other day, and now Duma.
Seems like a nice enough day, huh? If it weren’t for the fact that I’ve had several reminders of Jesse and Suzi today and it’s finally kind of sinking in how much that hurts. It hurts deeply, and it brings up all the hurt of this whole experience and then hightens it. It’s a consuming pain right now, like hands closing around my throat and a searing throughout my chest and stomach. I’m so tired of feeling that way. I will start getting past it, won’t feel it anymore for a while, and then it will come back, something will bring it back.
Then there’s Ray who is one of my students and is trying to woe me. I mean…. he’s cute, and I enjoy talking to him, but I’m not sure how to deal with his advances. Soo…. I think I’m just going to keep him at a distance until we leave. Hopefully that doesn’t mean I can’t hang out with him at all, but just make it more clear my intentions.
Oh, and I miss home. I miss comfort. I’m ready to deal with all the loose ends of Jesse and I, and I can’t do that till I go home, and now that I feel ready I have to wait over a month to do it. Ugggg….
But as one of my students quoted today “life is like a box of chocolates” (we were talking about our favorite movies)
I’ve been a bit amazed as of late as to how completely unfair life can be. It’s not fair that I gave so much to the relationship, but it didn’t count for anything in the end. It’s not fair that Jesse has the chance to skip the grief and move on to a new relationship. Would even have been any grief regardless? Or did he just feel relief to be rid of me….
But obviously I’ve picked one of those bitter dark chocolates that I don’t really like. Maybe that will make the carmel I get next taste even better than it would have had I eaten it right away.




One response

31 10 2005
Abby Gould

Hi Steph,
I have been thinking about you and hope you’re doing good. YOu know what? you can get through this. I know you can. Hang in there and it’s okay to feel and think like that. Its probably easier for him since he was the one to call the relationship off.
“i can do all things through Christ who strenghthens me.”
Love ya very much.

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