Changes and Sadness

28 09 2005

I finally have the courage to write in my blog. I tried writing a couple times, but I could never say what I wanted to say. Jesse and my relationship is over. It’s so strange to see that in print, no matter how many times I’ve had to write it, it never seems quite real. It’s been almost two weeks since it ended. Jesse found that he wasn’t ready for marriage, and that I was not quite right for him. I’ve refrained from going into the second part of that with him, so I’m not really sure why he feels that. He did say that he didn’t miss me when I left, the only hard thing was feeling himself falling out of love, and didn’t want that to happen. I don’t really understand it. I don’t really understand why something that seemed so right could end in this way. I don’t understand convincing yourself so falsely that you love someone enough to promise yourself to them. I’m sad.
But life goes on. There is joy down another path of life. My entire life plan beyond the next semester was wrapped up in a relationship that is now over, which means that my plans are also over. All of my plans were only meaningful within the context of Jesse. Now that I see that, it’s kind of scary that I let it get that way, but what else was I supposed to do? So, I have to put my life back together, and make some quick plans. I think I’m going to Chicago next year with the girls, but I’m not sure, because there may not be a place for me. We’ll see.
Other changes are also going on at home too. My parents have purchased a home on the mill race behind the old, old park pharmacy that’s now a medical supplies shop. Karis and Matt are buying mom and dad’s old house, and Matt’s already training for his new job in Elkhart. It’s going to be amazing to have them all nearby!!! I can’t wait to see the kids at sports and musical events. And have a more intimate view of them growing up. I hope I’m a good aunt influence.
SST goes on in it’s way. Chinese class is so HARD. Nothing seems to stick. And motivation is hard to obtain. I’m doing special lessons in dance and painting and have had a lesson in each so far, and they are both soooo fun. I love it. The whole group did a lesson in Taijiqain (Taiji) today, and I really enjoyed it, although I’m glad that I chose dance for my extended lessons instead. I’ve taught once, and I’m teaching again on Friday. I think I’ll talk about the first time when I do the second, I’ll do a comparison. Ummmm…. I’m getting to know several chinese students well. I really like that, but it take energy because it takes so much concentration just to understand and be understood. Next week we have the whole week off because it’s National Week here. So I’ll write more then. I love you all. Check out my deviantart site http://aladyingreen.deviantart.com Goodnight!

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