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I realize many people consider this topic morbid, but honestly, I don’t. I don’t believe thinking about death is going to make it happen any quicker, or that it somehow means you want to die. I’ve thought alot about how I want to be disposed of, but nothing’s felt quite right. I don’t want to cost alot of money to dispose of, so I’ve wanted for a while to be cremated. But I just discovered an article on the NPR website that made me think twice. It introduced this new form of “burial” called Promission. If it ever comes into vogue and the cost comes down (I’m sure it costs alot now) I think I’d what this to happen. Basically they instafreeze you and then shatter you into pieces. How cool is that.
Oh and in case I die tomorrow, I want my funeral to be a hymn sing. You can all say nice things about me if you want, but songs and stories, that’s all I want.
Jess- thanks for being on me to update. I’ll try to have something more substantive soon.
Oh and the new Imogen Heap album is pretty fantastic.
In less than an hour Mike and I will be buying our first house. Crazy! I was prompted recently to go into my blog archives and I stumbled upon this little tidbit.
From Goshen for the Weekend, June 2007
“My post almost started “Home for the weekend”, almost. But Goshen isn’t home. Evanston is. Or wait. Where is home? If “home is where the heart” is, Guatamala might be the strongest contender. But then there’s my family (mostly in Goshen) and my flatmates (right now, all over the globe). Honestly, home is such a vague notion for me. It has been since we left this area in 5th grade. One of my strongest desires is not to struggle with what to call home. I want to feel settled in one place, with my strongest ties in that place.”
I’ve already started to feel like Goshen is home, but now I’m going to have a physical home to tie myself to emotionally. This house could serve us for as long as we need a house. It’s quite possible that we’ll retire in this house. Amazing! The idea of living in the same place for more then a year is so foreign to me. I’m totally on cloud nine. 
Music: Don’t Take My Sunshine Away by Sparklehorse
The above song is a prime example of music that I’ve never heard before that somehow just appeared on my computer and I have NO IDEA how it got there. Weird.
I’m having Indian food tomorrow!
I think I’m going to ask to stay on nights even when Kim comes back from maternity leave. I think I have the seniority to pull that string
Dollhouse starts again on Friday and I’m super excited
I’m listening to Spice Girls’ Wannabe 
I finished season 2 of Veronica Mars and now I have to figure out a way to get ahold of season 3.
I miss being a nanny.
Music snobs annoy me. Especially those that put down “feel good” music.
My favorite part of the relief sale is seeing all these awesome menno people together in one place. Definitely warm fuzzy inducing.
I have a celebrity crush on Mac from Veronica Mars.
——————
My supervisor just came in to talk to me. Kim’s coming back on the 10th… and they want to put me on days with a number of different clients. So now I have to decide how strongly I want to put my foot down. One instinct is to do what the company wants me to do. But I think I need to do what’s best for me. Sigh.
Music: I Was Married by Tegan and Sara
When I watch lots of tv in a short amount of time, particularly all one show, the real world starts to feel a little less real. It happens with books too. I think I need to take a break from the VM…
We’ve talked about getting a dog, and we’re probably going to wait and get one next spring when the weather improves and we’ve saved up a bit more money. But of course that doesn’t stop me from looking. I’ve had my eye on yorkipoo puppies from these two kennels. But I’ve also been searching pounds in the area and stumbled on this little guy. Isn’t he cute!
Didn’t do much today. Slept, had lunch with a friend, and then slept some more… yeah, that was about it. One more night, and then I have three nights off! I really need to get my butt in gear with this move. And the bedroom still needs another coat of green and two coats of brown on the accent wall. I’m not sure if I’m going to tackle the kitchen soon or not… that’s going to be a huge project. Pretty much everything’s getting painted, including the trim and cabinets.
Well, time to pass meds. Here’s a clip that made me smile today.
Music: Without You by the Dixie Chicks
I’m feeling oddly anxious today. One of those “impending doom” sort of feelings. Not exactly sure what’s causing it. Whatever it is, I can’t explain it away, and I’m getting tired of it. I have been prone to mild unexplainable panic attacks, and these feel a bit like that, but not as intense, and they last longer. Maybe it’s because I didn’t sleep enough today. I putzed on the computer and watched Veronica Mars till almost noon.
Had dinner with Rachel tonight and she helped me with more painting. Honestly, that’s about all I did. We don’t have hot water right now so I had to go over to my mom’s for a shower and we chatted for a while… and it was actually really nice… except for the part where she refused to part with a painting my brother did that I’ve wanted from her for years 
I think that’s a losing battle. But it would look so great in our new office! Sigh.
I’ve been blitzing through season two of Veronica Mars. I watched a couple episodes and then napped before work.
Getting to know new people is hard. You’re not quite sure where you stand with them. Do they really enjoy your company? Was it just a good first impression that’s fading now that they’re getting to know you better? I think I’ve mentioned the fact that I’ve struggled to cultivate any strong female friendships since moving back to Goshen. I connect with a couple girls that I am comfortable with, but our lack of proximity and busy schedules don’t allow us to see each other very often. I’ve meet and become friends with a lot of amazing women, but nothings exactly clicked yet. I think I might be more self conscious with women. Hum. Something to think about.
Here’s hoping the pit in my stomach closes up soon. I don’t like it when my emotions and thoughts won’t settle.
Humm… I’ve been ending all my posts with a video clip recently. I think I like that trend. Last night I mentioned Barbara Padilla… here’s the performance that inspired me the most… one of my favorite songs and she performs it beautifully.
Sorry for the commercials, but the better quality on hulu is worth it.
http://www.hulu.com/watch/94411/americas-got-talent-week-12—barbara-padilla
Music: As Long as You Are Mine from Wicked
What a weekend. Friday I had dinner with Joanne and then Angie’s senior show, which went really well. Audiences make such a difference. And this was one of the best audiences that I’ve ever acted for. It was great, and Angie was fantastic. She’s a really great actress. I hope she gets a chance to showcase her talent again and again over the years. I’d love to be able to say… yeah, I knew her once upon a time. I acted in a play she wrote for her senior show.
We had a going away party for Alec Friday night. He’s moving to Chi-town and it’ll be sad to lose one of the most interesting characters in our group as well as a talented actor from the NWA scene. But I’m excited about visiting him when I go up to see the Evanston girls. He’s going to be working for the paper that covers events all over the city, so I see some fun nights on the town in my future. Hear that girls, I have the hook up now 
He’s a great guy, I can’t wait to introduce him to you.
The party was fun, kind of mellow. And there was rock band to finish off the night. I stayed up after everyone left and watched the finale of America’s Got Talent. I had decided that I didn’t want Barbara Padilla to win, because then she’d be locked into a contract to do a Vegas show which I think would be undershooting her potential, but that Skinner guy didn’t deserve to win… but I get it, he’s the Cinderella story, and Americans love a good “glory out of nothing” story.
Saturday I watched the first couple episodes of this season’s So You Think You Can Dance (SYTYCD). I’ve never watched a whole season, just episodes here and there, but I intend to with this one. It’s definitely my cup of tea, but it also makes me wistful. I love dancing. I wish I had taken lessons as a child. I think it’s something I could have been really good at and that would be a good outlet for me. Granted I can still learn to dance, ballroom etc. But most of the dances you learn as an adult are group dances and I have to rely others to dance with. Besides, there are fundamental things about being a good dancer that you really have to learn as a child. Ah well. But I think I’m going to sign up for a class at Dancesport in Mishawaka. I know, I know… I’m sure I’ve said that before.
I packed up a good portion of our kitchen stuff and Mike’s mom came over and did our dishes J and we chatted. I really lucked out when it come to mother-in-laws. I like mine a lot. She’s easy to talk to, and I never feel like I’m not meeting some expectation she has of me. We’ve started moving some stuff over to the house. We’ll probably move over slowly instead of in one big exhausting move.
I’ve been craving fish and chips from Tony’s for a little while, so I treated myself to some for dinner and hung out with Mike when he got home from soccer. Don’t underestimate the soothing power of just falling asleep together on the couch.
I slept a little later than I had intended, but got up in time to throw on a pretty dress (Abby and Katie- remember going shopping in Athens and that ball gown I got on clearance?), get all dolled up, and head over to the masquerade. I had my first tequila shot… or 3. AND speaking of dancing… I definitely spent most of the night on the dance floor. Haven’t done that in a while
I saw House of Yes at New World today. It’s a good show, and it’ll still be on next weekend for any of you heading into town for the relief sale. I would highly recommend seeing it. I’ve read the script several times, so I knew the story pretty well. I especially enjoyed Julie Kime’s performance. I hadn’t realized she was in it till I got there. Afterward I had dinner at the Spring and talked theater shop with Geoff. I’m really excited about next season… although, for most of the shows, more as a spectator than actress. My only complaint is that it’s a somewhat male heavy season again! Grrr
There was another birthday party tonight, but I was just too burned out. I took a really long nap before work. I’ve been getting more into a rhythm with this whole nights thing. I’ve had to let go of my constructs of what day to day schedule should look like, for instance, I often sleep shorter periods of time more often, and I mostly eat when I get hungry. Unfortunately that can mean I only have one meal a day. But I’m starting to like working nights. I think it suits me. Now I’m just sad that I’ll have to switch back… I just wish I knew when!
Wow. What a full weekend! I think I’ll continue my trend of ending with a clip. A friend has been posting videos from these two on facebook and I think they’re grand. Have a great week!
Music: Piazza, New York Catcher by Belle & Sebastian from the Juno soundtrack
I totally spaced out on stage today and almost missed an entrance! Not good. I’ll have to try and get more sleep tomorrow. Which of course is not going to be easy… again. One of the struggles of working nights is that I should be sleeping through the period of the day that other people are getting things done. So if I need to get stuff done with other people… say goodbye to my sleeping time.
I decided to get breakfast at the County Seat this morning. It’s pretty sweet to be able to have a good, filling meal for just over $6 including a 40% tip. And they have wifi.
I slept till about 4:30 and did a little work around the house. We’re hosting a party tomorrow night and the house was a disaster. I even resorted to taking a load of dishes to the new house to run them through the dishwasher. I figure they have to end up there at some point. Then I meet Rachel, one of the girls in the show with me, there to finish painting the office. Dining room and office done, bedroom and kitchen cabinets to go. Mike discovered a bunch of old crates in the basement that I think we’re going to turn into a bookshelf. Then it was back home to change and get ready for rehearsal… I had just enough time after to shower all the makeup and hair glue off myself before work.
I think I can get one more episode in before I have to start passing meds. Here’s something super cool that I was reminded of today. Enjoy.
Music: Beer by Reel Big Fish
Not sure why I didn’t think of writing blog posts during my overnights before. Brilliant! So you may be hearing from me more often.
Humm… what to say about today. I’m in a really good mood. That’s kind of weird because a) I haven’t been particularly chipper lately b) when I’m working these days I have way too much thinking time on my hands, and that leads to big “meaning of life” thoughts… and recently that just hasn’t been a very happy road. Not sure why that’s changing. Maybe because I’m not watching as much tv and I actually feel like I’m doing things with my day other than work, sleep and veg.
Granted I didn’t get THAT much done today. I got up and got to the house just in time to meet the delivery guys with our new fridge. It took them awhile to install it, so I read “Atonement” on our porch swing. I discovered that you can hear the marching band practicing pretty clearly. I’m not sure why, but it makes me feel all homey and small townish. Then I got a few groceries and kitty litter. Had dinner with Mike and went to rehearsal.
Rehearsal went pretty well. Last night my energy was great, but I lacked focus. Tonight I was really focused, but lacked energy. Hopefully I find a good in between for tomorrow and Friday.
I’m really excited about this weekend. It’s the first one in a while that I haven’t had to work most of if not all of. And there’s a party Friday night and Masqurade on Saturday. I’ve been a bit less social (for me) lately and I’m ready to let loose and have a little fun.
Speaking of, tonight at the spring was fun. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this in the blog yet, but I got to karaoke pretty much every Wed. And tonight the karaoke laptop died after one round, but lots of cool people were there, both regular karaoke attendees, and a few first timers. I had some good conversations, got to joke around with some people, and generally enjoyed myself. I was also told by one of my guy friends that I fit better in my skin than anyone else he’s known… like a fitted shirt. He was a little drunk
I’m also really excited about the relief sale in a couple weekends. Not only will there be good food and fun stuff to see, but all the Evanston girls will be in town and I’m super excited to see them. AND Andre’, Dancy, and Rachel will be here from Cali for a couple days! It’ll be crazy busy fun. Ha, and we’ll probably end up being able to finally move in about then too. Finger’s crossed.
So my current plan is to start a massage therapy program in January. I realized today that I should probably finish my undergrad degree if I’m going to do that… yeah… I know… I’m pathetic…
Back to Veronica Mars. I just started it tonight, and I think I figured out in the third episode who I think the killer in the overarching case is. So far I’m really liking it.
Music: Wash Away by Joe Purdy
It’s been an interesting week so far. Nothing particularly dramatic has happened, but I’ve been working on the house more, painting mostly, but also dreaming up all the little changes I’d like to make. Being in the house and working on it has made me calmer. I’m always better when I’m doing rather than waiting. I’ve had fun picking out paint colors. The dining room is now a deep merlot, the office has it’s first coat of peach, and three of the bedroom walls are taped in prep for a nice minty green. Last night was my night off and to keep myself up I painted. Around 5:30 I was getting tired and sick of taping so I walked down to 7-11 for an Arizona green tea (my latest addiction). It’s refreshing to live in a neighborhood that I want to walk around.
Unfortunately, being in the house is also making me even more anxious to move. I want to start setting up house! I want to feel settled in one place instead of this damn in between. It’s amazing to me that I’m going to move into this house that can truly feel like a home instead of just a place I’m going to live for a little while. I’ve bounced around so much. Goshen is starting to feel like a place where I belong, and this is going to be a big part of that process.
Mike and I installed our dishwasher today. It was intimidating, but with some advice from the guy at Ace, we were able to do it on our own. Thankfully La Casa had already done the electric. I think that would have been the scariest part, but still, we were doing all sorts of fun plumbing stuff. We didn’t have a hack saw, so I cut the piping down to size with a regular wood saw Mike and I haven’t had as much time to spend together lately. We’re on completely opposite schedules, and it was nice to just spend a day running errands and doing lifey stuff together.
I’m in my friend Angie’s senior show this Friday. It’s been really great being on stage again. I haven’t had a chance to act in a while and I’m really enjoying it. We did makeup for the first time tonight and we look like scary, crying, clowns with chains. It’s great!
It’s been weird/interesting to be on campus and around students. They talk about how overwhelmed and busy they are and I realize that I’m not there anymore and I’m really grateful for that, but I wouldn’t say that I’m any less stressed out or anxious. I still worry just as much, maybe more. I don’t know that I’m any happier being less busy. I just have new worries. It’s not so much that I want to go back, I just wish that I’d learned in the last few years how to be more content with what I am, what I have, and what I do. Why is that so hard?
Well, until the next time I’m inspired, au revoir.
I’ll leave you with this lovely tidbit of info:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/09/14/when-getting-beaten-by-yo_n_286029.html
Watching: True Blood
I’ve been getting to know several people recently that will or mostly will be moving away in the next few months… it sucks. But savoring it while it lasts is what I’m trying to do.
Work is getting better, sortof. I hate getting up early, but my client and I are developing a repport.
I’m trying really really REALLY hard not to be anxious about moving… but anyone who knows me knows that I don’t do uncertainty. We don’t know when we’ll be moving. And the work on the house hasn’t started yet… so who knows. I’ve been anxious the last week or so, and I think that’s alot of the reason why.
Taming is over. over over over over overoveroverover! I had a very mixed experience. There were somethings I really enjoyed about being stage manager, but my insecurities made it hard to fully enjoy it, and it was a bit too big of a role to get my feet wet in. But as far as I know I did a good enough job, so I’ll leave it at that.
Speaking of theater. I’m aditioning again for House of Yes. I’ve been torn about whether or not I should put myself up to be in this show. There are alot of reasons why it would be best if I didn’t… we’ll probably be moving when things are really busy with the show… I just did a show… work is stressful… etc. But I think I’d always regret not trying to be in it.
That’s probably enough baring of my soul for one night.
