Water for Elephants has been my undoing

Two nights ago I stayed up past 4 reading.

Last night? 5:30.

Ug.  Bad, bad Stephanie.

Like Abby said

I should post more.  Blog that get neglected are sad.  Poor, poor blog.  There there, it’s alright I still love you.  I just…. haven’t been myself lately.

So, I did not get the admission job.  I’m very interested to see who they pick.  Reasons it is good I didn’t get the job:

Now I can be in Urinetown if I’m cast
I won’t have to travel my first year of marriage
I can take the whole week before and after my wedding off!
It would have been a fairly high stress job, now I can find one that hopefully is less stressful

I’ve spent the last few days moving into the new apartment.  I miss my girls alot.  It’s so weird not seeing them.

Last night I went down to my cousin’s house and went over the edits I made on her husband’s manuscript with him and had dinner with both.  I helped edit a book that’ll be published soon!  I’ve been trying to make a conscious effort to get out of the apartment and see people every day.  Yesterday I turned in a resume, picked up an app to be a server for the restaurant that’s opening at the co-op in a month or so, and picked up a sub certificate application.  I also sent in my resume/application to 3 other jobs recently.  I check all the job sources that I can think of every day, so I can’t think of anything else that I could be doing to find a job at this point.  I think at this point I’m thinking that I’ll sub and waitress until the wedding and then look harder again.  Unless one of my other leads comes through.

My apartment is becoming beautiful!   Can’t wait for Mike to come home and see it.  He’s in Colorado on spring break.  Oh, and for the first time I have a close friend who’s pregnant.  Very exciting!

[break for visit from Miriam. yay!]

Now I’m off to see my niece in her track meet.

I did it!

Another art lesson done.

This frickin’ class that’s been eating at me for almost 2 years now is just one sliver smaller.  And I wrote an entry paragraph for the next lesson.

That’s right, 2 years.  I’ve wasted emotional turmoil and a whole lot of money because I couldn’t just buckle down and complete the stupid thing. Silly right!

I don’t know what is was exactly about my last semester of college, but it ruined me academically.  Sure, I’m making excuses for myself, but this class hasn’t been hanging over my head for so long simply because I can be lazy and unmotivated, although those are certainly factors.  I piled too much on my plate that semester and when I couldn’t cope, my grades suffered the most.  My professors extended a whole lot of grace to me then, and I can’t thank them enough.  But the fact remains, when I think about writing a paper or reading a text book my blood pressure goes up, I get anxious and I feel awful about myself.  Somehow studying has become wrapped up in all the emotions I felt that semester:  fear, rejection, shame, weakness, and self-loathing.  I’ve gotten away from those feelings, but not in this area.  I guess there are still beasts to be slain.