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I’ve been good. I’ve been really good. No searching on facebook. No looking him up on IM. And then! Fate twists in the knife and brings him to me. Today I received an IM message saying that a peice of mail from my bank for me had come to his new apartment. How weird is that! It’s a new debit card.
I realized a while later that there is a good (although still screwy) explaination. We had a joint checking account while we were engaged, and I’m guessing this is a new card for that account. But I specifically remember cancelling the account and opening a new one, so this must be some sort of error.
It’s a little bit like the wedding magazines I keep getting several years too late.
We didn’t talk long, but other than the initial shock and fighting the desire to get into a more lengthy conversation, it wasn’t too bad. It really is a kind of pain that just keeps petering out.
I…want… sigh
Music: Kiss from a Rose by Seal
Last night Tara, a friend from Goshen, came up to visit and today she, Abby and I slept in, had a leisurely breakfast, sat around talking and interneting and then went out into the sun. We walked to the farmer’s market which opened in town today, but it was alot further away than we thought, so we got there as most of the booths were tearing down. So we walked back and had a lovely Thai meal at Cosi noodle and stopped in at a cute boutique where Tara bought a sunny yellow dress and wore it out the shop. I’m salivating over a cute white top, but it’s a bit pricey for such a simple piece. I also ran across to The World Market which is my new favorite store! I got a Goats do Rome rose’ for $5 on clearance and beautiful earrings. I covet a darkwood carved screen and an amazing desk. Maybe when we move…
After that we walked down to some shoe shops so Abby could look for shoes for her amazing summer travels. Then another boutique that I love to go into and dream, but where the dresses start at $100. On to Jamba Juice before taking the L home. The entire afternoon was graced by the warm sun, a gentle breeze and good company.
every once in a while (more frequently in the last few days) I check my ex-fiance’s facebook account or add his IM screen name to my list and read his away messages. I know this is a bad idea and distructive and I always feel shittier afterward. It’s such a compulsive thing. I don’t know exactly why I do it. I don’t know why I care what’s going on in his life. I had a dream about him last night, so that may have prompted it today, or maybe doing it recently prompted the dream, who knows. Am I looking for signs that he and Suzi aren’t doing well? I don’t really want them to be having problems, but if I’m being truly honest, there would be a part of me that was glad. I don’t think it has anything to do with me wishing them ill will. I think it’s because I still have trouble with the fact that he moved on so fast and that my absence from his life didn’t seem to make him unhappy. It makes me feel replaceable and unimportant. I’m fully aware that this is not true, but it doesn’t change the fact that I feel it.
But this is a self-intervention. You are all now my unwitting accountability partners. I will post every time I look him up, and the embarrassment of having to admit it publicly will be a deterrent (I hope).
I want Mike to come home. I want to be able to talk to him about something important to me. I want stop feeling so anxious. I want to stop feeling antsy. I’m scared for how it’s going to be this summer. It’s not a matter of not knowing if I’ll be able to manage the distance. I know I can. No, the question isn’t if, it’s how. What ways am I going to cope? How will I learn to be ok that I’m not always ok? How will I stop the fears from taking over when the reminder of why this is all worth the risk is not present. Mike’s great, but we don’t connect as well over e-mails, and several days with no contact takes its toll on my psyche. hum.
And as a sidenote, I’ve been thinking about the fact that I write about my relationships alot on my blog and why that makes me uncomfortable. Am I scared of what that says about me as a person? What does that say about me as a person? More over, does anyone really care. I was reading the new blog of a college classmate and in his first entry he mentions “blahgs” and I wondered… would he see mine that way?
Unfortunately I haven’t found the opportunity to be involved in the Deaf community or use my ASL skills much since leaving college, but I do try and at least stay informed as to what’s going on, and I’m still looking for connections up here in the city (I could be trying harder 
I became very passionate about the Deaf community and the issues and opportunities it faces at Goshen. I had a professor who was amazing and highly connected and encouraged us to be as well. One of my favorite classes at Goshen was Deaf Culture.
So it makes me very sad and angry when I hear stories like this one from Communication Access Now.
To Whom It May Concern:
I hope that you can/will assist us in stopping the mistreatment of deaf people by various local law enforcement officers/agencies. It has been brought to our attention that many deaf citizens experience similar challenges with officers We need your assistance in conveying to the law enforcement and to the deaf community that they do have civil rights and should speak out about such encounters. If you’re interested, we would like to discuss these and others issues with you in detail. If you have any questions, feel free to contact us.
We are requesting a full investigation of the law enforcement agencies/officers involved in the following situation. This client remains devastated and believes that a number of her Constitutional and Civil rights have been violated.
· Failure to provide effective communication
· Sexual abuse/harassment
· Unlawful imprisonment
· Misuse of authority
· Cruel and unusual punishment
· Failure to assist during an Emergency
A 19 year old Hispanic deaf woman who was assaulted by her brother who was drunk. She uses sign language to communicate and does not speak. She tried to summons help by calling 911. As indicated by the police report, she was crying when she dialed 911, then hung up the phone.
Shortly after, PD arrived. Her brother told officers that “she is crazy. ” He told officers that she tried to stab him with a knife. The client was still crying her bedroom. When the officer came into her room, she tried to communicate what happened to her. Meanwhile, the brother was yelling that “she is crazy”, and said she tried to stab him. She began motioning to the officer to get her an interpreter so she could explain. The officers did not try to communicate with her, they believed her brother (who is on probation and previously ID by the police as a member of several gangs). The officers cuffed her hands behind her back. She was charged with assault with a deadly weapon. She said she became more frantic and tried more vigorously to communicate, but could not because her hands were behind her back.
She was taken to the police station. Once there, she said she kept trying to indicate to them she needed an interpreter but no one would communicate with her. She said she was stripped naked in the presence of 3 male officers and one female officer. While the female officer straddled her body and retrained her hands. The older male officer performed a cavity search. The client said that he put on a glove and inserted his fingers into her vagina. She became very upset.
She was then moved to the County Jail, again she tried to convey to them that she needed an interpreter, but no one addressed her communication needs. police Officers reported to jail staff that she (the client) is crazy. She says her clothes were taken from her. She remained naked in a jail cell where there was no bed and she had to sleep on the floor. three days later, she was moved from the isolation cell and placed into another cell with a bed.
When I met with this client on Thurs. April 12, 2007, she was very depressed. She said on Wed. the 11th, a psychiatrist came to talk to her with an interpreter. She says has been asking jail staff for an interpreter, but no one will call one. One trustee has minimal “finger-spelling” skill and is very difficult to understand. When I asked her what she spends most of her time doing in jail, she says she tries to think of different ways to kill herself. She appeared to be very depressed. She indicates that she is very hurt and angry. She said she called 911 so they could come to help her, but instead, she was arrested and put in jail.
She says that its been one week since her arrest and detention and she still has not been provided effective communication, nor has she ever been given an explanation as to why she was arrested and does not know when she will get out. As she explained her situation to me, she showed me the bruises on her arm from where she had carpet burns as a result of her brother throwing her on the floor. I asked if she had shown the bruises to the officers when they responded to the 911 call. She said they would not listen to her, therefore, she did not have an opportunity to show them the bruises. She asked me how long she had to stay in jail. I told her I would find answers for her.
Shortly after I left the Jail, I called the social worker for people with disabilities, at the jail. I asked if I had understood the deaf client correctly: “was she naked and placed in isolation from Thursday to Sunday?” She said yes I had understood correctly. When I asked why, she said it is because “she has psychiatric issues.” I asked how was that determined, she said the police told her. When I asked if she had spoken with the client, she said no she had not—the deaf clients’ detention is on what police reported about the client. The social worker quickly added, “last time she was here, we kept her in isolation for 5 days.” I asked her why, she said because the client refused to talk with her. I asked if she (the social worker) knew sign language, she said no. I asked if she tried to communicate with the client using a sign language interpreter. She said they didn’t need an interpreter because —at that time there was an inmate who knew some sign language and they used her….and the client still refused to communicate. She added that they now have a staff person who signs.
That same afternoon, I met with the District Attorney (who requested my assistance in seeking resources for this client). I asked how long the client would be in jail. She said she had no idea, but the client had been appointed an attorney. I informed her that no one from the police department or the County Jail had ever spoken to the deaf woman about why she called 911, nor has she ever been provided effective communication. After discussing these issues with the District attorney, I suggested the charges be dismissed based on my 3 hour conversation with the client. She agreed. Again, I asked when she would be released. She said not until she had a place to go. I asked if all women were detained in jail until they had a place to live. She said no. I reminded her that she could not be detained in jail because she will not be returning home and happens to be deaf. The next morning the charges were dismissed and the client was dismissed from jail.
Detra Stewart
Advocate for the Deaf/Hard of Hearing
CommAccessNow2@yahoo.com
VP – 713-807-1176
Brian Determan
Deaf Advocate for the Deaf/Hard of Hearing
CommAccessNow@yahoo.com
VP -713-807-1176
When will we learn to respect one another regardless of our differences? When will understanding one another become important?
First of all I want to say it’s really hard to be satisfied with these answers because the questions were so amazing and thought provoking! Thankyou so much for the challenge Mel.
1. In answer to Flutter’s question about the most important thing about you, you replied, “when I was 9 my parents and I moved to Zambia.” Wow! What are some of your best or most vivid memories of that time and place?
There are so many! Like the time that my dad killed a spitting cobra that almost attacked my mom by throwing a hammer at it and hitting it in the head. Or the way the world looks at night when there’s no artificial light for kilometers and kilometers in all directions. Or going swimming on horseback and learning to jump at the tiny British expatriate school that I attended for a few months. Or the first time I saw the mist and heard the roar of Victoria Falls. Or being charged by a rino when my dad drove too close. Or when a couple of my friends were almost run over by a runaway ox and cart at the little play set by my house. Or my mom crying because we were told by the mission board back home that we had to leave the country in two weeks (this was later retracted, but we had originally planed to stay for 3 years and only stayed for 2) Some time I should do a series of stories from those two years. That would be good blogging fodder.
2. In your post to the person who found you through the broken engagement search, you said this: “I had to relearn to value myself as an individual,” and you also said this: “I made strong commitments to myself about maintaining my self worth and independence.” How do you feel you are doing with these self-affirming actions these days? Has a new relationship posed any challenges for you in still making sure to meet those goals for yourself?
It’s a daily struggle. I think these are areas that will take continued growth and attention for the rest of my life. But I’ve made huge strides. Granted I had a long way to travel to even reach a healthy place, but it feels good to be able to look back and see how far I’ve come. It’s not really something you can quantify, but I value and like myself much more than I used to.
Dating Mike has been a struggle in a lot of ways. I have to fight the urge to rely on him for my self worth. I have to fight the urge to plan my life around him. Luckily, he doesn’t allow me to depend on him too much, and he has a way of being supportive while encouraging me to be the strongest person I can. It’s hard road though because it’s a fight against my natural inclinations.
3. As a nanny, what’s the most important goal (besides “keep the child alive”)that you keep in mind, both at the start of each day and at the start of each new job?
That’s such a hard question for me because I’m a novice nanny. I feel like I’ve been through a trial by fire the past 10 months. I’ve had two different jobs with very different situations. Nothing in my past or education has given me the insight or preparation for this career. So until now I haven’t really had the luxury of having clear goals at the start of a job. I’m still a little wet behind the ears, but now I would say the goal with each child is to guide them in becoming independent, joyful, articulate, socially and emotionally mature people. To provide them with the challenges that will help them to grow at a leave where they are able to succeed. This of course is easier said than done. Just because a child has the capabilities necessary to tie their shoes doesn’t mean that they have the focus to complete the task or that it’s going to be easy for you to have the patience to wait for them to complete it. It’s also my goal to find ways to make the family’s life easier. Oh, and to give the kids as much love as possible. That’s the easy part.
Day to day I try and keep them on a schedule of sorts. It’s hard with babies, but everyone’s happier if there’s structure to the day. I try to take them out every day, weather permitting. I try and think of new things the girls can learn, whether that’s how to put the blocks in the bucket or how to not chew on books.
4. Just in the posts I’ve browsed, you mention singing, dancing, salsa lessons, “wheel throwing lessons,” whatever those are, fiddle lessons… do you think you will be a perennial student? In other words, do you agree with the notion that a person should continue to learn something new throughout their lives? Do you plan on doing so?
I definitely think I’ll be a student most of my life. There are so many things I want to learn and be able to do. I love the creative outlet of art, music and dance classes. If I had more money and more energy I’d be involved in a lot more classes. I am hoping to do some “wheel throwing lessons” this summer. Wheel throwing is a part of ceramics and is how most hand made pottery is formed.
5. You said last summer, “I just want to feel like something I do really touches someone.” This isn’t a question, it’s a statement: I have really enjoyed reading your blog; it has touched me. While our lifepaths are not extremely similar, I can hear echoes of my own heart from before I settled into the life I have now in your words. I do hope you keep going; your honesty and freshness are very neat to read.
Mike and I meet in Chemistry lab. The first day he turned to me and asked if I wanted to be his partner. I couldn’t figure out how he knew my name. I figured it was due to the fact that I was a senior and in a small school like Goshen most people are at least aware of everyone else. We just happened to be standing next to each other, otherwise it would have never happened that way. I don’t think a choice of where to stand has ever affected me so much. I will always be awed by how our getting to know each other was due to freakish chance. But I guess alot of people come into our lives that way. Just not usually with me. I tend to know people through predetermined connections.
What this post is really about though is the fact that Mike and I had a number of chances to meet before this point, but we never did and I think our relationship is largely due to that fact. I wouldn’t have seen his value if I had met him any earlier.
When we were very young, ages 4-8 (me) and 2-6 (him) we went to the same fourth of July fireworks display in the same park in Syracuse. Now this park isn’t very big. A pavilion, one play set, some lawn and a very small beach. Most likely we would have been playing on the play set together. What if we had met then? What if our parents had met and become friends. It wouldn’t have been unlikely with the way my dad likes to meet new people, and there would have been plenty of connections. There was the Mennonite connections, and I think by that point my parents might have been renting our old house to Mike’s aunt, although that may have come a few years later. Regardless, if I had gotten to know him at all at that stage I’m sure I would have remembered him a little. I have a great memory for faces. I’ve been able to recognize a few old elementary classmates around town that I haven’t seen since we were 8 or 9. So I probably would have noticed him around campus when he first started at Goshen. I might have even introduced myself and asked him if he remembered me. But he would have been a freshman and I would have been dating Jesse and I just wouldn’t have seen him that way.
Or nine years later. When I was a senior in high school, I almost moved back to Goshen with my parents and I would have gone to Mike’s high school. In a school of several hundred I would have at least known who he was. But he would have been a freshman and I would have been a senior and he would have been way too young for me. And he would have always been little Mikey to me. We probably would have been in a play or musical together. That would have been fun, but he would never really grow up in my eyes.
Mike is friends with Abby’s little brother, and Abby recently came across some picture from our sophomore year of Mike hanging out at her house. What if I had been over that day? Jess was. I could very well have been too. Again with the young thing. He was only a senior in High School.
Around that time we were attending the same church. Not a large church mind you, give or take 100 people on any given Sunday so it’s kind of surprising that we never meet there. After we started dating, Mike remembered that he had noticed me there once when I went up to make an announcement. I had recently shorn my hair off and must have been wearing ambiguous clothes because at first he wasn’t quite sure of my sex. Once he determined that I was a girl, he figured I was a lesbian (My home church is openly welcoming of homosexuals so that’s not a huge leap to make, although a bit stereotypical) Talk about your first impressions.
Life is a tricky thing. Change one strand and everything could be different. Yes, Heroes got me thinking, but this has been on my mind for a while. Thank God for Chemistry.
I just fell in love with the show Heroes in exactly a week. Mike “made” me watch the first episode while we were in Canada, and it all went down hill from there. Needless to say much of my free time has been spent in front of my computer. Which is not a new phenomena, only instead of writing and reading blogs I’ve been watching episode after episode. So I have alot of writing and reading to catch up on. Coming soon:
more interview
stuff about my trip
posting on my nanny blog (Liz is crawling!)
This is from Angella who has really really cute kids.
1. What is your favourite – a salty or sweet treat?
Definitely sweet. I love creamy dishes. I just finished a cup of custard.
2. If you could live anywhere in the world (other than where you are), where would it be?
There are so many good choices! Oregon is on my list. So is Jamaica. But I think right now I’d have to go with Australia.
3. What do you do when nobody’s looking listening?
Sing. I love to sing. Especially broadway stuff. When I’m really angry I go somewhere where no one’s going to hear me and sing at the top of my lungs. When I’m really emotional I sing heart wrenching stuff. Sometimes I don’t even realize I’m singing to myself until I see someone and become very embarrassed.
4. If you could go be a celebrity, who would you be?
Nicole Kidman. She’s poised, gracious, genuine, and I think she’s a really good actress. But she has poor taste in men. Really I don’t want to be a celebrity, but I suppose being Nicole Kidman wouldn’t be too bad.
5. Coke or Pepsi, diet or all sugar?
Regular coke. But from a glass bottle in Zambia.
