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My relationship with my family is quite complicated. I don’t actually know most of my family very well, but we’re not what you would call a “dysfunctional” family. I just haven’t lived with them for alot of my formative years. I am the baby of the family. My siblings are 13, 11, and 9 years older than I. I have fond memories of all of them from my childhood, but I never learned to really know them as people. I had my first dorming experience at 10, and although it only lasted for a few months, I think I really started to disconnect from my parents then. I went to boarding school for high school, and became pretty distant from both of them. I had always been a pretty independent child anyway, and I don’t remember having a strong connection with either of them after coming back from Africa. I remember feeling as a middle and high schooler that my mom was tired of raising children and that I was her last chance to “do it right’ and that I was failing her.
So now that I’m an adult, I deal with this dicatomy of feeling distant and disconnected from my family while also having alot of history with them that makes it feel like I should know them better. I’ve been learning more about my parents and sisters in the past few years, but slowly and at times akwardly. I realize alot of this is my fault, because they are right there. I could talk to them basically whenever I wanted, but I don’t take the time. I envy my roommates who seem comfortable and close to their families. I love my family very much, and think they are all amazing people. And I know they love me. I hope that I can find ways to bridge this gap in years to come.
Last weekend I found out that we are not as disconnected as I sometimes think. I was in Goshen that weekend, and Mike and I were dealing with some strong questions about the wisdom of continuing our relationship despite the fact that he is going to be gone alot of the next year, we have no clear idea of when we can actually be in the same place, and he’s feeling insecure about what he wants for his future and how I fit into that. He’s afraid of hurting me and that the separation is going to be too hard on me and he’ll feel guilty about that. A trial separation was discussed, a more permanent breakup seemed imminent at on point, but at the end of the weekend we chose to stay together and continue as planned. But on Saturday we thought we were going to take a break over the summer, and possibly next fall, and when I stopped by my sister’s house I told her about it. I didn’t think she would say anything to any of the other family (I’m not exactly sure why I was under this impression), so imagine my surprise when I received a call on Monday from my mom saying “I heard from your brother that you and your boyfriend split up!” So new actually travels faster in my family than I realized. Except I’m always the last to hear. I remember one time my nephew broke his arm and I found out a month later. They were still living in PA at the time.
On a random note, in a recent conversation with Abby about the weekend’s drama, she called me a “serial monogamist”. How’s that for creating new vocabulary.
I was inspired to write this post by a fellow Goshen grad.
I’ve really gotten into this blogging world in the past few months. I’ve been keeping up a blog for a few years now, and for a long time it was just a way for me to recount my life for people who cared, and a form of self-expression. Another way to know myself and be known by others. But there’s this whole blogging world out there that I hadn’t yet discovered until I moved to wordpress. I love it! I’ve found nanny blogs that help me connect with others who spend their days with the wee ones, (I have a nanny blog too) and find that I’m learning things just by reading about their daily experiences. All of them have kids that are older than mine, so it’s interesting to see where their development is at. I’ve started religiously reading a blog from women in NY, Canada, and Australia. I get my daily laughs courtesy of a site dedicated to the funny/stupid things Chicagoans say. And some people actually read mine! I can keep up with friends, and even learn things about one of my beloved flatmates that I wouldn’t necessarily hear just hanging around the apartment. I was also directed to a sweet site that is all about on-line bargains by one of my favorite nanny blogs. And today I impulse bought this. I’m such a sucker for dinner and glassware. I can’t wait to entertain more! That’s right, this blog is all about the shout outs.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.
- Rita Mae Brown
I think my roommates and I rotate. We pass on the insanity.
This weekend I went home to see the Goshen spring mainstage, “The Seagull” by Anton Chekhov. The play was well put together. The staging, acting, set, and costumes all very well done. But I hated it. I could blame this on the playwright. Nothing happens on stage, the play is almost literally all talk. None of the characters really seem to grow. I didn’t really care about any of them. There is no happy ending, or lesson to learn. The whole thing is thoroughly depressing. The play ends when one of the main characters (my boyfriend) kills himself. I admit that I probably wouldn’t like this play as much as other types of theater regardless, but I blame my poor theater experience entirely on the audience.
Unfortunately, the audience was small that evening due to a competing Lavender Jazz concert. A small audience always tends to lack in response, but the bigger problem was that they just didn’t get it. They tried too hard to care about the characters. They didn’t see that the character’s lives were so tragic that is was funny. That when a grown man sulks and whines to his diva mother it is pitifully humorous. I wanted to laugh and snort and enjoy the irony, but no one else was laughing, or if they were they, like me, were doing it silently. I don’t think many theater goers understand to what extent they are part of the production. The audience is probably the element that most effects how a show will play out night to night. This probably isn’t the case so much in large professional productions, but in small theaters, the audience as a whole gives energy to the cast and affects how each individual audience member receives and responds to the play. At least that’s my experience. The audience as a unit is a living, breathing element of the play just as the set and actors themselves are. You can almost tangibly feel the mood of the audience, and that feeds your own perceptions of what’s occurring on stage. I wasn’t allowed to laugh at the characters, but was swept into trying to care about them along with the rest of the audience. So I hated it, because I found I couldn’t truly care and still wanted to laugh and that made me feel heartless. No one likes to feel heartless.
So, I want to see it again, with a better audience this time.
wikipedia has some good stuff to say about Chekhov’s writing and why it’s hard to like. check it out.
It was also the first time that I had seen Mike in a full length production or in a significant role. I was very impressed! I’m dating an actor (happy sigh).
according to city-data, there are alot more men in my age group than woman in Goshen. Girls, we should go back.
From red dirt road
This originally had 200 items, so I deleted some that I thought were irrelevant to me. I crossed out the ones I’ve done, italicized are things I’d like to do, bold are things I really want to do. There are a few that I think I’ve done, but am not sure about. If in doubt I’ve not crossed them off my list.
- Bought everyone in the pub a drink
- Climbed a mountain
- Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
- Been inside the Great Pyramid
- Taken a candlelit bath with someone
Said ‘I love you’ and meant itHugged a treeDone a striptease- Visited Paris
Watched a lightning storm at sea- Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise
Seen the Northern LightsGone to a huge sports game- Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
Grown and eaten your own vegetables- Slept under the stars (I love star gaving, but I’ve never spent the night under them)
Changed a baby’s diaper(all the time)- Taken a trip in a hot air balloon (I really, really want to do this)
- Watched a meteor shower
- Gotten drunk on champagne
Given more than you can afford to charity- Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible momentHad a food fight- Bet on a winning horse
Taken a sick day when you’re not illHad a snowball fightScreamed as loudly as you possibly can- Held a lamb
- Enacted a favorite fantasy
Taken a midnight skinny dip(South China Sea!)- Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
- Seen a total eclipse
Ridden a roller coasterHit a home runDanced like a fool and not cared who was lookingAdopted an accent for an entire day- Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment- Visited all 50 states (no, but I’m close for how young I am)
Loved your job for all accountsTaken care of someone who was shit facedHad enough money to be truly satisfiedHad amazing friendsDanced with a stranger in a foreign country- Watched wild whales
- Backpacked in Europe
Taken a road-tripRock climbing- Midnight walk on the beach
- Sky diving (my brother is an instructor, so I should get him to teach me)
- Visited Ireland (almost went this year, but it’ll have to wait)
Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love(I didn’t think so at first, but, yes, yes I have)- In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
- Visited Japan
- Milked a cow
Alphabetized your recordsSung karaokeLounged around in bed all day- Scuba diving
Got it on to “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye- Kissed in the rain
Played in the mudPlayed in the rain- Gone to a drive-in theater
Done something you should regret, but don’t regret itVisited the Great Wall of China(and hiked for like 8 hours on it)Dropped Windows in favor of something better- Started a business
- Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
Toured ancient sites(Great Zimbabwe ruins)Taken a martial arts classPlayed D&D for more than 6 hours straight- Gotten married
- Been in a movie
Crashed a partyLoved someone you shouldn’t have- Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
Made cookies from scratch- Won first prize in a costume contest
- Ridden a gondola in Venice
Gotten a tattooFound that the texture of some materials can turn you on- Rafted the Snake River
- Been on television news programs as an “expert”
- Got flowers for no reason (ahem, Michael…)
Performed on stage- Been to Las Vegas (I’m not going to count the airport)
Recorded music- Gone to Thailand
- Bought a house
- Been in a combat zone
- Buried one/both of your parents
Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off- Been on a cruise ship
Spoken more than one language fluently(I’m going to count ASL even thought I’d only say I was semi-fluent)- Bounced a check
- Read – and understood – your credit report
Raised children(I’m going to count this one. It doesn’t say “your children”)- Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
Found out something significant that your ancestors didCalled or written your CongressPicked up and moved to another city to just start over- …more than once?
- Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking- Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
- Wrote articles for a large publication
Held someone while they were having a flashback- Piloted an airplane
Broken someone’s heartHelped an animal give birth(I helped pull out a stuck calf)- Been fired or laid off from a job
- Won money on a T.V. game show
- Broken a bone
Gone on an African safariRidden a motorcycleDriven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100mph- Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistolEaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wildRidden a horse- Had major surgery
- Had sex on a moving train
- Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
- Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states (this will be hard to achieve, butit’s a worthy goal)
- Visited all 7 continents
- Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
- Been a sperm or egg donor
Eaten sushiHad your picture in the newspaperHad 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetimeChanged someone’s mind about something you care deeply about- Gotten someone fired for their actions
Gone back to school(does it count that I took a year off between h.s. and college?)- Parasailed
- Changed your name
- Read The Iliad (no but I read the Aeneid which is similar)
Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read itTaught yourself an art from scratch- Killed and prepared an animal for eating
Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurtSkipped all your school reunionsCommunicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language- Been elected to public office
- Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
- Had to put someone you love into hospice care
- Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
Dyed your hair- Been arrested
There! Only 150.
Abby recently posted about our weekend trip down to the south side for their St. paddy’s day parade and included some of the pictures I shot with the camera I might buy off of her. Which reminded me that I still haven’t credited her for not only helping me create my banner, but for taking the pictures in it. Because I have yet to own a digital camera, throughout college Abby was gracious enough to let me steal from her photo library. Thanks a million Abby!
banner pictures from right to left:
Looking down the long staircase that lead to our apartment on Cheng Chau
A statue of the poet Li Bai in his hometown of Jiangyou
The coast of Cheng Chau
You’re long gone, but your search got me thinking. What would I tell someone if they asked me that question? I know I’m young, and I’m sure every person’s experience is different, but here’s a bit of my experience and what I’ve learned.
An engagement is a plan. It’s a plan that ties your life integrally with another’s. When my engagement was ended so was my chosen path. It was cut off sharp at about 9 months down the road. I had no plans after May that made any sense without Jesse. I am someone who thrives on looking down the road. I’m constantly mapping out the next 50 steps. The way many people use family or home as security in life, I use plans. I had never felt as secure as I did when I was engaged. I belonged. And suddenly that was gone. The plans, the belonging, the security. I felt like the rug of my life had been pulled out from under me and I was left lying flat on my back staring up at a blank ceiling. Alone. I started to piece together a future again but it was difficult. I had changed my major since the relationship had turned serious, and honestly, it was partly because I was going to get married. I didn’t need an occupation as involved as interpreting if I had a family. I had started to make plans to move to the city with my girlfriends before I got engaged, but they had moved on with the planning without me (naturally), and I no longer fit. I had the feeling that nothing in my life made sense anymore.
A large part of that feeling was because I valued myself based on how Jesse valued me. I remember writing that it felt like only the fringes of my heart were left because I’d filled up the bulk of it with my love for him, leaving only a fringe for where I loved my family and friends. The part where I loved myself was tied up with the part that loved him, and I wasn’t allowed to love him anymore. I had to relearn to value myself as an individual.
Letting go of the now defunct future was probably one of the hardest parts. First of all there was the wedding. I had it all planned. I was going to be in China and then have a more then full course load plus try to hold down 3 part time jobs, so I planned the wedding the summer before as much as I could. I have a dress. My bride’s maids have dresses. I had asked a friend to do the cake and we had found some beautiful cake stands. I had asked another friend to do the photos. I had ask someone to do the music. And the flowers. We had talked about vows and pre-marital councling and hymns. Then there was the life. We had a boy’s and girl’s name picked out. I was already thinking about possible apartment locations. We had combined our monetary resources (don’t do this, it’s a very bad idea) I was going to be a part of his family (he has a really cool family) I was going to be a wife. Something that I’ve come to grips with in the past couple years is that despite how much society might look down on my for it, the most important things in the world to me are finding a partner and creating a family. My dreams were coming true.
And then they weren’t.
In no specific order because it’s late and my mind is scattered, here are some things that helped me through:
- I drew on the support of my friends. and drew and drew. We are closer for it.
- I spent time alone, but I made sure that I didn’t alienate myself.
- I allowed myself to grieve.
- I allowed myself to be angry.
- I worked really hard at not being bitter.
- I did things that made me feel good about myself. Dancing was a key element.
- I went to counciling. I wish I had started regular sessions sooner.
- I asked him to go to a counciling session with me.
- I forced myself to deal with what I was feeling
- I monitored my methods of escape so that nothing got out of hand.
- I made a new plan for my life.
- I made strong commitments to myself about maintaining my self worth and independence.
- I learned to value experiences I had and people I had gotten to know while with him despite the pain that is now attached.
- I got rid of e-mails, letters and pictures. I’m an obsessive reminiscer, so this was an important step for me. I only kept my diaries.
- I wrote poetry.
- I opened myself up to another relationship when the time felt right.
- I forgave him and tried to see things from his perspective.
- I looked for ways in which I was responsible.
- I didn’t allow myself to take all the responsibility.
- I celebrated in way I had grown and matured because of the experience.
- I didn’t set a time limit for when I should be over it.
That last one is still really important because (is it obvious?) I’m not completely over it. I’ve come a long way, and in alot of ways time is the only thing left that can get me to a place of feeling more at peace. There are still random strangers that make my heart jump a little. Dark curly hair. Certain body types. The way a certain guy walks. Sometimes you just have to let time heal.And to the person who found me by searching for “if you had to rename of mice an” I’d rename it “should have finished the last chapter before going to class so that the ending wasn’t completely ruined”
This morning I’ve been going back and labeling posts from when I first started blogging, and I discovered this from December 2004.
“Chicago really can be a pretty place in some parts. I think it would be nice to live up here for a year or two, maybe on the outskirts like Evanston or something.”
Life sure has taken me on a windy path since then, but I ended up here regardless.
Music: Get Rhythm from Walk the Line
I fell down a flight of stairs on Monday and I’m currently sporting a brilliant purple bruise with a diameter of several inches. My roommates have enjoyed tracking its progress. Today Abby told me it looks like rancid meat. Thanks.
