You are currently browsing the monthly archive for February, 2007.
From Overheard in Chicago
Guy: (on cell) “No, no. It’s all about the angles. Yeah, like geometry. It enhances the chances of conception.”
- University of Chicago
There’s a slight tinge of color on the horizon behind us and to the right. It’s quite beautiful. Orange than yellow and graduating shades of green and blue end in an inky black as the atmosphere fades into space. Below on the dark ground towns web out into the country marked only by the electricity they emit. And I’m sitting up here high above the world thinking.
This weekend away was refreshing. It was a pleasure to reconnect with my girlfriends and see a glimpse into their new worlds. Things were relaxed, long conversations were had, good food was enjoyed, and my longing to be in the Northwest again was fulfilled. Meryl and I ended up at the Market and in a little Chinese restaurant where we ordered a dish off menu that was a favorite during SST. Fan chi chow dan. Basically scrambled eggs with diced tomato, but hard to reproduce. The men’s choir made me smile a lot and reminded me how much I miss live choral music. Not much hotter than a man who can sing. They made me proud of my alma mater. After the concert, several of the guys, and some of the other alumni who are in the Seattle area went out to. Katie, Meryl and I all went out to a Moroccan restaurant on Saturday night and spent almost 2 hours enjoying a sumptuous 5 course meal. Sunday morning was spent at SMC and we sang hymns! Really good ones. I miss hymn singing…
Back to work tomorrow, and the next week is going to be chalk full of studying because I have to take my last 3 syntax tests on Saturday which means between now and then I have to read and understand three-fourths of an entire text book. But right now I’m quite content.
One more thing of note that made me really happy. I was told this weekend by an unexpected source that Mike and I make this individual happy because we seem really good together. Happy thoughts.
As I was walking toward my gate this morning I noticed a large group of guys. Some of them looked vaguely familiar 
I had a young man sleeping on my shoulder through most of the flight. 
Music: Bring me to life by Evanescence
Mike recently put this song on a mix for me. The ironic thing? Jesse had put it on the mix he made me while I was still in Oregon. Both of them told me I “brought them out” in different ways. Humm…
Jesse and Suzi are getting married on Saturday. I knew this was coming, althought I didn’t know the date until today.
Honestly? It’s still hard. Yes, I’ve moved on with Mike. I’ve done a whole hell of a lot of healing in the last year and a half. Close girlfriends, a new relationship and the hope and healing that brings, and a summer of counciling have brought me a long way. (although the later hasn’t helped my credit card balance) So why do I still feel the hurt so viserally at times? When does that go away? When do I get to be completely whole again.
I feel so many things about this wedding. I don’t think I’ve had so many mixed emotions about an event before. But I will be far away in Seattle having fun with my girlfriends.
The last couple weeks I’ve been obsessing. About the future, about money, about my relationship with Mike and where it’s going when. I’m so tired of my brain running overtime. I have alot of time to think with my job because alot of the things I do with the babies don’t require me to be as mentally engaged. If I’m feeding them a bottle, or helping Liz bounce herself to sleep, or taking them on a walk, I have nothing occupying my mind, so I think. I think about all the possibilities that my life holds, and sometimes that’s a really joyful thing, but sometimes that’s just intimidating and overwhelming and scary. Yesterday some of the old pain from my broken engagement that had kind of settled into the recesses of my consciousness was kicked up. I spent the evening feeling bitter, but felt better today. But it did have the affect of making me think a fair amount today about where I could be right now (for the umpteenth time) if things had gone differently. It’s quite scary how close I came to making a huge mistake. It also got me to take a step back and wonder why I’m in such a hurry when it comes to Mike. Why do I feel like I have to know now where we’re going to be in a year, in two years. Why do I want so badly to have decided. Sometimes I just get so exhausted by all the questioning and guarding my heart that I just want to let go and say “this is it, this is who I chose”. Why am I afraid so much?
So how do I find a good place. One where I’m still open to the relationship not working out, but also not petrified of making the wrong decision. How do I let it be ok that we could be apart for the next 2 1/2 years? How do I let it be ok that maybe we’ll be just a little risky and “rush things” Whatever that is.
When do you know you love someone enough and they love you enough to make the challenge of marriage doable? When do you know enough about a person to know that you won’t be unhappy with them? Do you ever know? Probably not. A little while ago my mom gave me an article from the NY times, “the things all couples should talk about before they get married”. Mike and I looked at it together. We had already talked about most of them. Then we talked about the rest. What does that say? We’re both flexible people. We’re both looking to settle down in the next few years. We’re really good at finding the common ground, being open, and making a compromise that’s cool with both of us. We both value a relationship/family above career, location, and personal goals. Not that the other things are un-important, but if it really came down to a choice, our priorities lie with the relationship. But I thought all those things about Jesse. Maybe not as strongly with the compromising thing, or the flexibility, and I have my eyes alot more open now, but still. If I could be that blind then, then I could still be blind to things. I have an amazing ability to convince myself of things to get what I want. I can self-deceive to an amazing degree. So where does that leave me? With the strong conviction that Mike and I can make each other very happy, but with the petrifying knowledge that my strong convictions can be hugely misguided. Sigh.
This morning I woke up to sun on my face. Still half asleep, I exclaimed “It’s so beauiful outside!”
More later. Too busy soaking in the sun.
Becca (to me): Embrace your inner shag!
Me: That sounds dirty.
Becca: What can I do? It’s Sunday morning.
Feeling tired, worn out and sad.
Music: Homebird by Foy Vance
(I think this e-mail sums up recent events pretty well)
Well, let’s see. Things with work are good. Sometimes I can’t wait for the girls to get a little older so that they are quite as dependent on me. I don’t mind the dependency, or take care of them, it’s only a problem when they both want my attention right now. Liz especially can be fussy and want to be held simply because she’s tired, which makes it hard to give Rose the time she deserves. Especially now because I’ve been working with her on learning to sit up and it sucks when I have to lay Rose down during some of the short time when she’s awake and not being fed or changed or tired and falling asleep. So there are times that I get a bit frustrated that I can’t give each of the girls the attention I want to, but as they get older that will get better.
I went back to Goshen this weekend. It was a good trip, but way too fast. I got to see all my family that lives in the area, except Matt (Karis’ husband) because he was working, and my oldest nephew because he was on a church retreat. I wish I could have spent more time with them, but I also spent a good portion of the weekend catching up with friends. I’m beginning to realize how much I miss having a strong, varied, and extensive community. I love the town of Evanston, but I don’t feel close to people here except for my roommates. I miss so many people from Goshen. It was wonderful to see Mike because I’d had an emotionally draining week for various reasons- two very stressful, disturbing dreams, and having a talk with a close friend about something I did in the past that was very hurtful to her that she didn’t know about. She’s really angry at me, understandably, but it’s really hard because it’s something I’m not proud of and it makes me feel small and pathetic. But I’m also a different person than I was when it happened and I hope she can see that and forgive me.
The more time I spend with Mike the more I realize how well we respond to each other. He has a real calming affect on my life. We are able to be completely open with one another even when it’s hard. I trust him, which is important given the distance. He’s someone who I can talk to when I’m dealing with real issues of life and faith, and he processes them with me. I never feel like he’s judging me, which is something I have struggled with when it comes to alot of people I’m close to. But he also helps me own up to my own faults and issues. I’m still scared of opening myself up to potentially getting very hurt again. I’m not sure how to get away from the fear, but so far I’ve been able to keep it from disabling me in the relationship. Sometimes it’s so hard for me to talk myself down from giving up because it takes so much time and emotional energy to keep up the long distance relationship. I’m hopeful for it though.
