You are currently browsing the monthly archive for March, 2006.
I have a cat in my room 
Music: the Globe
Sometimes there are major perks to working at admissions. Today it’s that there are cookies, and not much searching and since Shirley’s not here today to give me more work, and Mandy doesn’t have anything else else for me to do, I get to do what I want for the next half hour and get payed for it (of course, if the phone rings I should probably answer is).
Today I learned that two of my friends had noticed that I seemed thinner, and were a bit concerned… I hadn’t really noticed that much, I guess a little, but maybe I should be monitoring my weight more. If I am lossing weight, it isn’t for any good reasons, because I’m not exersizing (other than work which really is a workout, especially for my upper arms, and dance class on Tuesday nights) and my meals don’t tend to be fruits and vegies 
Regardless of my weight status, I should be eating more and healthier, and it’s nice to know that my friends care enough to notice. I have to say I was a bit surprised when she said something.
I’m feeling better than when I posted last. And my room’s clean! I’m running on way too little sleep. Thank you everyone who left comments or said something to me in person. I’m overwhelmed by the support I recieve from people who love me sometimes. I got to talk to Jess for a while last night That was really nice, and wednesday night I got together with Luke for a little while at BW’s and had lunch with Abby on wednesday afternoon. It helps to have the friends contact. I’ve been feeling disconnected and isolated a bit recently, and that help to counteract that feeling. And I flirted with a guy the other day!! I FLIRTED. I haven’t done that in what feels like ages. It wasn’t a big deal, and I’m not even sure he realized we were flirting, but still! Ah the joy of feeling feminine and possibly attractive 
Soooo…. that’s all for now. Have a good weekend everybody.
I just learned that the 3 remaining CPT captives in Iraq were freed.
This is joyful news.
Thank you God for reasons to hope.
What I was struck with, was the words used to describe the event.
The men were found by British troops after getting intel from an Iraqi that they recently captured (or took hostage…. depending on how you look at it.)
When the British went in, no one else was there.
The BBC says the men were freed, CPT’s statement uses the word released.
I read a bunch of other news sources and organizational websites, and was very intrigued by the language use.
One word said volumes about the perspective of the writer.
Language is a powerful thing.
Do you ever feel like life’s kicking your ass? Like life’s one long battle with yourself. I reached a breaking point tonight. I was staring at yet another unfinished paper and feeling like it was the worst paper I had ever written. And I just started to cry. All I wanted was to talk to a friend, to have a long chat, I almost got up and drove to school to find someone ( probably not the best plan at 1:30 in the morning), but then I realized that while it might make me feel better, it wouldn’t get the paper written, so I just started typing, and typed through the tears till they stopped, and now the paper’s done. But I still have ummm…. like 4 more. And a really messy room and car, and friends I haven’t seen in forever or talked to if they live far away, and I misunderstood when my first appointment with my councilor was going to be, so I missed that…. and when I tell myself that I’m too busy, I’m lying to myself. I guess I haven’t been telling myself that for a while, but I still use it as an excuse with other people. It’s not true, I’m not too busy, just too….. immature? lazy? broken? yeah that stuff. I just don’t care enough, or at least I won’t let myself care enough, because then I get really scared, and i care about everything too much and I just can’t think. yeah. whatever.
Well, I worked friday night. It was really slow, and I ended up being the only server’s assistant. I only made $15 in tips Then I dressed in green and went over to Phoebe’s so we could go to the new bar in town. I think it’s called Everspring, but sadly, I’m not sure. I had a cosmopolitan… not bad (yes mom and dad, I drink responsibly once in a while, don’t be mad). Saturday morning I got up and helped set up for my sister’s baby shower. I did the flower arrangements which I must say turned out pretty good. Then went shopping for last minute stuff, dropped the girl’s and stuff back off at Assembly, then home for a quick shower, and back for the shower Have I mentioned yet how excited I am about this baby?!? EEEEEEEEeeeeeeee….. 
I sort of MCed, and I hope I did a good job. Karis worked really hard on stuff for the shower, I love my sisters. I love seeing them more, especially getting to just drop in at Karis’ so easily. Then it was off to work, which was the exact opposite of the night before. I didn’t get off till after 11:30. We had a party of 30! And lots of res in the front. But we stayed on top of it all, and Jamie complimented us on that…. Jamie doesn’t hand out praise readily, so that was cool. I finished off the night with an episode of Alias. And today… I have lots and lots and lots of homework to do. But first my mom has a concert.
Here’s a shout out to Jess and her new blog www.jessicari.blogspot.com
music: Ruby Blue by Roisin Murphy
This morning I woke up and realized that I have a chem test today that I totally forgot about! So I’ve been stressing all morning about that, but I just studied the last hour and a half, so hopefully it won’t be a total failure. I just found out from Jenn that she’s going through a really rough time, there’s some really difficult stuff going on with her family, including the fact that their store just experienced an armed robbery. I haven’t talked to Jenn in a while, and that makes me sad, so does hearing how hard this semester has been on her. I’ve been feeling disconnected from many of my friends. There’s just not enough time, and I don’t have the daily interactions that housemates experience. I have to be alot more intentional about it. But I have spent time with Meryl, Jess, and Will this week, and that’s been good. I’m still struggling to get caught up in my classes. For the most part I haven’t gotten any MORE behind, but I still have alot to do. I’ll just be glad when it’s over. Tomorrow’s my sister’s baby shower. Gina Holsopple’s going to be at the Brew tonight, and I’m hoping to catch the end of her performance after my shift’s over. Depends on how long I have to work, and how long she plays. There’s also a latin student union dance at the college, that would be cool to be at for a while. And of course lots of homework. Always lots of homework. Time to go take the test o death. I hope everyone has a good weekend
Music: fools in love by Inara George from the Gray’s Anatomy soundtrack
Ok, so maybe I shouldn’t confess all of this to the world, but I’m never going to write in my blog for a long time if I keep avoiding talking about what a failure I’m turing out to be in school this semester. Pretty much that’s alot of my life right now. I’m having so much trouble motivating myself. I can’t seem to turn things in on time, or be responsible. This is a very depressing thing. I don’t LIKE this fact. I’m not PROUD of myself. I’m just sick of feeling like a failure at life because of it. But then I think about it and I’m like ” What the hell are you doing Steph?” School’s supposed to be the main point right now, so why can I do everything but? Ok maybe not everything… my room still hasn’t been completely clean for probably a month, and I have my taxes to do still, and I still need to find a longer term councilor, oh, and find out about taking the math proficiency so that I can graduate. But I’m really good at my job at the Bluegill!! And when a friend needed my time late the other night, it was a blessing to me to give it to her. I’m just not cut out for this academic stuff. Or maybe I’ve got a really bad case of senioritis, or maybe I’ve been making excuses for myself because of what I’ve been going through emotionally this semester, or maybe all of that.
But I got my Bible paper done! I just got it done. Now if only I had my other 3 papers done too. Sigh.
Tonight I went to a community dance class at the old theater in town. It felt soooo good to be dancing again, and we learned two dances that I’ve never danced before: the hustle, and the Argentinean Tango. Can I say that the Argentinean tango is the most amazing dance I’ve ever dances. It’s leads are so subtle and the interchange that has to happen between the lead and follow is so much about finese. EEEEEEeeeee! I miss dancing so much. It’s really good exercise, and it’s just a wonderful feeling when it just flows. Maybe I could become a dance instructor, and do that for the rest of my life….. somehow I don’t think that would be fulfilling. I want to do things with my life that are important in the lives of other people. I want to make the world a better place in some small way. I guess I could do that by teaching people the art of dance, but I don’t think that would be enough. In other news, I’m going to try and get a job as an interpreter coordinator in Chicago next year. There’s a particular organization that I’d really like to work with, but we’ll see what happens.
I’m really excited about Lenora having her baby in about a month and a half!!! If my brothers and sisters keep having children I can work off my mothering instincts on them. Why do I sometimes find myself really just wanting to have a baby RIGHT NOW. I mean, I don’t really want to have a baby now, not logically, but sometimes the desire’s pretty strong. Why can’t that part of me just hold off another 5-8 years??? Jeesh. I’ve pretty much decided that I’m going to have kids regardless if I get married or not. In that circumstance, I’ll probably adopt, but I don’t see why I should have to give up my desire to raise a child just because I don’t find the right man to commit to. The problem is deciding when, but hopefully I won’t have to worry about it.
Have I ever mentioned the fact that I think alot? About alot of things. About too many things. And I overanalyze. Especially guys. I give them way too much credit for having more going on upstairs in the emotional/relational department than they really do. Now there may be exceptions, but I’ve yet to really discover a good example. But I’m sure there are exceptions. I hope so. I just wish guys TALKED like women do. I mean my girlfriends tell me things about their life more than the surface what they’re doing etc. They tell me about how they’re FEELING, and why.
Ok, ok, I’m done rambling. i just haven’t really gotten going on my blog for a while, and I didn’t want to get boring
It was recently confirmed that one of the CPTers kidnapped in November is dead. A video was recently released showing the other 3 men who were kidnapped, but Tom Fox was not pictured, but his body was found a couple days later. My prayers and sympathy go out to his friends and family, and also prayers that we see an end to this horrible conflict soon, and that the U.S. people start to wake up to the realities of what we are doing in the world today and how our influence and actions are killing many innocent people.
Music: Breathe
So in March and April of last year, I only posted once each month! That kind of surprised me. I’ve been reading my blog. It’s so weird to review my life in that way. I’m so weary of this semester. I’m lacking all motivation except to just get DONE. Right now I’m procrastinating on two papers…. I just can’t get myself to start either of them. I’m not very good at this school thing. I don’t really have much else to say. Last night my mom came and talked to me for a little bit. Her inicial question that started the conversation made me laugh. It was a suggestion on how to get over Jesse. I found myself just wanting to talk and talk to her, but we didn’t talk for long. Maybe I’ll invite her out to coffee (mom, I know you read this, want to go out to coffee sometime?)
Music: A new favorite song…. I don’t even know the proper name or who it’s by, but I call it “The Day I Wish for You”; thanks Luke.
Today Katie, Bec and I got up early and packed up the car and headed off at about 7:30 in the morning. It took pretty much exactly 12 hours to get home, and we really didn’t stop other than to get gas and change drivers. We each drove about 4 hours. We had Zim’s beagles from Athens, and cold pizza from the Mellow Mushroom that had been supper the night before, and chocolate covered cranberries from Earth Fare, so we were set as far as food went. I feel like I know Athens pretty well at this point. I was amazed at how well I remember the layout from two years ago. It was fun to reconnect with the town and see what had changed and what had stayed the same. Some highlights from the trip:
the sun
an amazing meal cooked with the girls all made from good organic/ non-mass produced foods from Earth Fare
just having time to relax
really good chai from a downtown coffee shop and bar while chatting with the girls
One of the most amazing meals I’ve ever had from Five and Ten
A surprisingly light and flavorful glass of German Riesling that I shared with Becca during this amazing meal
spending time with two beautiful amazing thoughtful women
As we were driving up to the apartments, the other two were looking to see if there were lights on in their apartment, and I was looking to see if there were lights on in a specific downstairs window. I was kind of hoping that there wasn’t, and then I’d go visit Luke and Will, but I couldn’t tell, so I didn’t go. I realized a couple minutes later that I was really tense suddenly. That lead me to realize that I had been able to relax in Athens not just because I didn’t have school or work, but because I was away from Jesse and things that made me thing about him. Not that I didn’t think about him, but there wasn’t any chance that I’d run into him, and not as many things that immediately connected with that whole thing. It’s sad when you realize that one of your favorite places, the place you consider home, has become a place fraught with anxiety. Some people might think that I should just let go. Well, my answer to that is…. it’s not that easy. I’m trying, and let me tell you, it’s not something you can will yourself to do. You just have to keep trying till it’s not something you have to try to do anymore. I’m still trying.
