You are currently browsing the monthly archive for January 2006.
Music: The Globe, Goshen’s radio station
This week has been busy! And the weekend is going to busy too, lots of homework, taking Winston shoe shopping for the wedding (which reminds me, I still need to figure out what I’m going to wear), working at the Bluegill friday and saturday nights, a violin lesson, and the play on Sunday.
I got a solo in choir, but I’m not sure I’m going to get to keep it because I found out that I’ll be coming home from Cali when the dress rehersal is taking place…. sadness. Deb said some very encouraging things though when she gave me the solo, she commplimented me on my tone and pitch. 
I’ve been stuggling to keep up with all the reading for all my classes. I definitely fell behind at the end of this week. I hate not feeling prepared for class. I’ve also been staying up pretty late, sometimes just so that I have some “me” time when I’m not studying, working, or running around to take care of this or that. I have several things looming over my head… the solo for Andre’s wedding, and the ASL part for “We Are” for the concert on the 14th. Ekkk!
It’s been a hard week emotionally. I’m not getting enough sleep, and am having a hard time getting everything done which makes me feel inadaquate. That and things are still hard with moving on. I’m sort of counting down the months till I’m not on campus anymore with all it’s reminders, and the fact that I see him etc. Whatever.
Music: listening to Chamber Choir warm up from Rieth Hall 
I just found out that I can definitely graduate at the end of Aug. Yippeee!
Music: House Carpenter by Nickel Creek
Weekend recap:
friday night worked at the Bluegill: made $17 in tips 
that’s for a 7 hour shift
saturday, slept in too late, was fairly non-productive the rest of the day till 4 when i went to practice the song for my brother’s wedding, and then at 5 meet TCS (third culture students) to carpool to Galen Graber’s for a D.R/Brazilian meal. It’s so exciting to see so many people show up for TCS stuff. Then Lenora and Tobias picked me up and we meet the rest of the family at the Morris in South Bend to see “The Sleeping Beauty” performed by the Russian National Ballet.
The ballet was BEAUTIFUL! The prince was amazing, and all of the leads were just magnificent. I love beautiful things like that, they just make me happy. And it was cool to figure out that they had used some of the music from the Ballet in the Disney movie.
Sunday, I went to see the Requiem. Goshen College choirs + some community members performed the Mozart Requiem with the Fort Wayne Philharmonic Orchestra. It was a wonderful piece, and well done. I especially enjoyed the mezzo, but there wasn’t enough of her. I still like the Verdi Requiem better.
After the concert I made supper at the apartment, I love cooking and good company, so that was splendid then Katie, Jess and I went to a worship service that was designed to focus on the Feminine nature of God. Then a group of the girls hung out in the loft giving backrubs and discussing the service, our concepts of God, and social pressures on the sexes. Becca and I watched this week’s episode of “Beauty and the Geek”. She’s studying it for a class, and has me hooked. Then I went downstairs to hang out with Katie and Will while they made an apple pie. I’m still not sure I should be going to that apartment (Jesse lives there too) both for my sake, and for his…. is it fair of me to be in “his” space? Is it healthy for me? But my two primary guy friends live there too, so when I want to see them….. and in someways it’s better to see Jesse on a semi-regular basis when I know he could be there then once in a while randomly on campus. It’s getting easier, even seeing him with Suzi like I did last night, but it still makes me slightly nauseous and tense. Am I a glutton for self-punishment? At least I’m not trying to maintain a relationship with him like I’ve done in other breakups, although there’s a part of me that wants to. I mean…. just because of what happens doesn’t make him a horrible person, or someone I just no longer care about. But I’m giving myself alot more time before I try to relate to him again…. probably at least a year…. but we’ll see. And maybe I never will, maybe it won’t ever be worth the difficulty.
I was talking to the girls last night, and expressing some of the thoughts that I’ve been having lately about how thankful I am that all of this happened. Despite the pain, the deep, intense pain, and despite how scared I can be about life now, I can’t at this point imagine marrying anyone this summer, least of all Jesse. I can’t imagine not being this person who I am now that all of this has happened and changed the way I think about alot of primary things in my life. I like this person, I like her alot, I like that she wants more out of life than to get married and make him happy and have a couple kids, I like that she’s a bit angry, I like that she’s using that anger to be self-reliant.
So the weekend wasn’t academically productive… which is a really bad bad thing, but I’ll get it done somehow.
Music: I Am Weary, Let Me Rest by the Cox Family from O Brother Where Art Thou
Today I had my usual classes, and work, but didn’t have choir. Instead I started reading for small group this evening, but I was so tired that I curled up and feel asleep. I got a chance to talk to Jess and Katie for a bit, and that was nice. We had a really interesting discussion about the book in small group. I hope that I can get up to speed on the reading so that I can really understand what all we’re discussing, but I have so much other reading that it’s kind of hard. I had a session with Phil (campus councilor) today, and that was good, but sometimes I feel like I’m going in circles. I do see differences though in how I was dealing with things and what kinds of things I was dealing with from several weeks ago, and then different still from when I was in China. It’s still really hard seeing him around campus, like today. It tends to throw a curve ball in my day, and can be hard to recover from. So not much else to report…. life continues to continue.
Music: Looking for Suzanne by Buddy Greene
Today Goshen cancelled classes so that there could be lots of lectures, etc to celebrate MLK day, so I had the day off. I spent the morning sleeping in (sheepish grin) and then did homework and computer stuff all afternoon. At 5 I went over to pick up Jenica to go to South Bend to pick up the tickets for the Ballet this weekend and then go to dinner, but as I got there I found out that Angel Jenica’s dog had gotten out of her pen and was loose over by the school, so I spent the next hour trying to hunt her down… it turned into quite the saga. Needless to say, by the time I got done with that I didn’t have enough time to get to the box office before it closed, so Jen and I just went to Hacienda. I really enjoyed talking to her and finding out more about her and her life. I was nervous about it being awkward, and the possibility that I wouldn’t be able to talk to her on her level and that she wouldn’t want to tell me stuff, but the conversation flowed naturally, and it was good to hear that she seems to be doing well in school and socially. I was shocked though when she said that in Pennsylvania she had known 3 girls who were pregnant. They’re just older than her. She just turned 14. I can’t imagine becoming pregnant at 14 or 15. I can’t imagine the emotional burden of becoming sexually active at that age.
Music: some rap coming from the booth where they have famous rap artist’s cars, like Snoop Dogg
So I’m blogging from the Detroit Auto Show. We’ve been here for 2 1/2 hours, and I’m ready to leave. I think we might be soon. Craig (one of Carla’s friends who actually works for Chrysler developing airbags) has been showing me around. I’ve acutally learned quite a bit about cars today. It was fun to see some of the new stuff that’s coming out. Really small cars, hybrids, the latest concept cars. The crossfire is a really sweet little car. So yeah, other than that we got into Detroit late last night. I made lemon blueberry bread while I was waiting for them to get close and then Katie (sweetheart that she is) drove me to Bristol to meet them. Dancing tonight!!!!
Music:C’était Une Histoire D’amour by Edith Piaf
Yesterday and today have been better than the beginning of the week. Yesterday started out early with my 9:00 American History II course. And then a run over to the Fraker for a sausage riser for breakfast and back to NC 17 ( I have 3 of my 6 classes in that room) for some quick e-mailing before History of Global Poverty at 11:00. I meet my discussion group for both those class, and it seems like they’re going to be decent ones, I’m pleased with all the discussion groups I’m in for different classes, they all see to be with people who are actually going to say something. Then I went to Admissions to work, but Darlene was only taking a half hour lunch, so after I worked I ran home and mixed up some lemon bars and had lunch and then went to Chem lab at 2. Then homework until choir at 5. I had the joy of having supper with the girls in 403, and then went to small group where we are studying Bishop John Spong’s “A New Christianity for a New World”. Then I watched “Beauty and the Geek” back at the apartment. Becca’s studying it for a class, so we’re all watching it together. Then we sat around and talked about faith and sexuality and next year and the wonderfulness of women friends and it was grand even though I should have been reading for my History of Global Poverty class. Around 11:15 I cut myself off, and started reading, but by midnight I was too tired to stay awake, so I just went to bed. I was staying at the apartment because guests were using my bedroom at home. Thanks Becca and Jess and Miriam and Katie for letting me stay with you! You’re sweethearts
So then today I slept in too long, and didn’t get up until 10:00. I finished reading “Broken Hoe” so I could take it over to Abby who’s sharing books with me and then I went over to the Gilbert’s to clean. After that I studied for my map quiz for Knowing the Bible and had that class at 2:00. I ran home after class to get some stuff and go to the bank to cash some checks and to see about my debit card that still hadn’t shown up. Then choir and dinner at San Marcos with Thushan before Women’s Concerns at 7:00. After class a bunch of us went to BW’s for a farewell get together for Libby because she’s going to Seattle for her internship this weekend. Some of us moved on to Steak and Shake, but I left after a bit because I thought I still had homework to do, but it turned out that I didn’t, so YEAH! It was really nice to see Libby again. Oh, and it was really sunny and quite warm today that was really really nice. It’s supposed to snow on Sat though
Well I should sleep. It’s almost 1! and I have a 9:00 and another full day ahead of me. Detroit this weekend with Carla!!!! Yippeee
music: Saucy Sailor by Wailin’ Jennys
Tonight I’m tired. It’s been a long day. It’s been a long week since school started. My schedule is already too busy, and I’m not even doing everything that I’m going to be doing this semester. I still haven’t started meeting with my lunch buddy (with the big sister/big brother program) Some highlights since the first day of classes, I worked Saturday night, and it actually went really well. I was on top of things, made few mistakes, and was appreciated by my servers. I had a short talk with Amy and have decided to stick with the Bluegill despite some recent thoughts of moving elsewhere. Working there is actually really pleasant if Jamie (the head manager) isn’t around. He’s just so negative, and makes me feel nervous when I’m working. I think I’m kind of scared of him. So yeah, I work tonight too, and it was alot slower, which is natural with it being a tuesday night, not a saturday night, but the night seemed to drag…. but it was ok, and again, Jamie wasn’t there tonight, so it was a fairly comfortable work atmosphere. I’m pretty good at what I do, and that feels good. I probably won’t be moved to server any time soon, but Amy assured me that when they have room for someone, I’ll be trained up. Who knows, that may not be till this summer, but in some ways that might be for the best. We’ll just have to wait and see. I like my co-workers for the most part, and I’m trying to get to know some of the new ones.
I met Laurina, a girl that I knew in Zambia. That was a surreal experience. I had spent a weekend at her house in Zambia, and my family had visited theirs a few times. She’s a transfer from Hesston. It was exciting to realize our connection.
Sunday my family had a birthday party for Jenica and Maria. I remember when Lenora and I used to have birthday parties together. I didn’t always appreciate that, and I’m not sure she did either, but who knows. But it was fun to be with my family, and I was again grateful for them being in the area.
Last night Meryl and I went to BW’s and then to Steak and Shake, and talked about this and that and the other thing. It was good to catch up with her. Oh!, and Abby G. from Oregon called on Sat and we talked for about 2 hours. It was wonderful to catch up with her too, and hear all about what’s going on in her life. I got to talk to Jennifer too, and that was really important because I hadn’t talk to her since about half way through SST.
So today…. I actually got to sleep in till about 9:30, which will be the only day I sleep in this week Then I got up, wrote a paper for Bib. Lit about my personal experience with the Bible, and then got an e-mail from Tom Meyers saying that he had definitely decided that I shouldn’t count Deaf Culture as a sociology credit, which means I can’t graduate at the end of the summer like I thought I would be able to. I’m going to fight the decision, but I don’t know to what extent. I don’t know. It’s just so frustrating because I can’t imagine staying in Goshen next fall to finish one course. I mean…. I just can’t. And it’s very emotionally draining to think about that possibility. Then I jumped in the shower, and made a quick call to Tracy on my way to work at admissions to see if she still had her copy of he syllabus from Deaf Culture when we took it together. Then I worked till about 1:30 and grabbed some lunch while I stressed about the fact that I couldn’t print off my paper because I had written it in the wrong program on my Mac so the PC’s at school couldn’t read it. Of course I didn’t even think about going into the Mac lab Silly me. So I had to eat in class, and then when class was over I went to work at the Bluegill until 9, then went home grabbed some soup to eat while I was studying in the coffee shop at school, I didn’t feel like studying at home, I needed to be in a different setting. So then I read for History of Global Poverty for a while, and started feeling emotionally overwhelmed and called Luke, and he came over and we talked for a while. And then I finished some of my reading and now I’m blogging.
I need some serious R&R. But I don’t think I’m really going to get it, so I just keep going. There’s nothing else to do. Sometimes I just want to through things. Sometimes I just want to cry. Sometimes I feel like my insides are going to explode with all the pent up emotion and frustration. Sometimes I want to yell. Sometimes I want to hate Jesse and Suzi and Tom and everyone else who’s “making my life more difficult”. Which of course they’re not, it’s just my response to them. If only my heart could listen to my head more. I mean, what is my heart doing still loving Jesse!!!! Ok I admit it, I still love Jesse, I still care about him, and I overcompensate for that, for the fact that I can no longer show that, or have it be reciprocated, by being furious at him. But then I stop and I think and I realize that I’m really just sad, I just hurt, I’m just not ok yet. And then i try to let it go, but it’s hard, and sometimes, I just can’t get my heart to stop aching. So then I just go on. And so life goes on.
Music: Dirait-On performed by Western Singers
Today was the first day of classes. Not too bad. I had American History at 9, and then since they cancelled chapels on Wednesdays this year, I hung out with Abby taking care of some business type stuff until History of Global Poverty at 11, then rushed over to Admissions to work, which I ended up working until 3, and then hung out with Crystal in her apartment which she gets to keep (yeah!) and then off to Choral and then Women’s choir and then back home for some homework, supper and computer stuff.
Classes seem like they’re going to be ok so far. I’m really excited about History of Global Poverty, because I think I’m going to learn alot of useful things for my future in overseas work, and because Jan Bender Shetler is teaching it. American History should be good too, the prof seems very competent, and both profs are very organized and utilize blackboard which I like. Didn’t have Chemistry lab today, because they want to have a class first.
It was nice to be behind the desk at Admissions today. I’m really a good receptionist. I’m confident, I know what I’m doing, and I’m friendly. It’s nice to realize that you do something well. There’s alot of things to try and remember though, like where they keep all the forms, how to use goldmine, how to work the phone system, etc. I only had a little problem with that today. Darlene told me that it’s really nice to have me back, and that she feels more secure leaving me with the desk. That felt good. So I’m going to be doing lunches for Darlene every day of the week except tuesday when I meet with my little sister (big brothers/big sisters program) for lunch. Andrew (one of the councilors) asked me today if I was making lots of wedding arrangements…. I had assumed he knew! All the girls on the staff, and a couple of the other councilors knew, and had known before I came back, so I assumed he knew as well. He felt really bad, but I told him not to worry about it. Then he told Galen just to make sure he knew too, and Galen didn’t even know we were engaged!! I don’t like not knowing who knows and who doesn’t. It’s awkward for me. And when things like Andrew asking me about the wedding happen it hurts. It’s hard. Basically it’s just hard. Yeah, I’m doing ok, I’m pretty happy actually. But not always. Sometimes I feel really empty. So what do I say when people ask? Do they want to know the truth? Everybody tells me how well I seem to be doing, and I agree with them, I feel like I am doing well, but sometimes it takes so much work to be “doing well” and I just want to give in to being miserable. And sometimes I can’t help being that way regardless. BUT, rest assured, that’s becoming more rare, and mostly when there are blatant in my face reminders of us or him. Like coming across pictures of us with my family, side by side with Andre’ and Dancy who ARE getting married. I look so happy. Ok, enough of that.
Choir was interesting. It felt really really good to be singing again. But I’m like the only senior in Choral!! Josh Weaver’s in it too, so maybe not the only, but it feels like it. None of my close friends. And I don’t know half the people. Not like I don’t talk to them, but know their name and recognize them type of not know them, I’ve never SEEN them before. It’s sooo weird. I’m the type of person who is at least acquainted with everyone on campus. I’ll have to get to know some of these people. Anywho, that’s all for tonight. Sleep well. Off to bed with me.
Music: Take the A train by Michael Maxwell and his orchestra
Last night was a joyful bringing in of the new year I spent the evening with Abby, Katie, Becca, Jess, Crystal, Miriam, David and Zeb at apartment 403. We played games, ate wonderful food including some amazing chesses, watched the ball drop, sang auld lang syne, and rang in the new year. It was delicious. All of it. Today I was lazy. I wish I had gone to church, there was a breakfast and a hymn sing, but the girls stayed after last night and exchanged oil back massages until like 3 in the morning. Of course, the other girls got up and went, so I have no excuse, but…. yeah. So the new year is here, and may it be filled with good memories, good deeds, and good friends. Like all of you
