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Christmas is over for another year. How life can change in what seems like a matter of moments. Last Christmas, Lenora and Tobias were living in Tacoma, Karis in Pennsylvania, Andre’ in Indy, and I didn’t know who Dancy was. Last year Jesse and I were together. I couldn’t help but think from time to time today…”what would today be like if we were still together…would we be starting Christmas traditions already that we would look back on in 10 years and smile?…. how would we divide up family time?…. how would we have done that when we were married? I try not to think about those things, I really do, I try to remind myself that thinking about it doesn’t help, but they come unbidden, and unstoppable, and they take my breath away, leaving an ache in my stomach. I know they say time heals, and that it hasn’t been that long, but I wish it would go faster. I feel like I’m being weak when I have those kinds of thoughts, and they happen at the oddest moments. Sometimes they come when I’m particularly happy, actually, often that’s so. I guess when you have an idea of what your life is going to be like, it’s hard to let go. I was reading over some of the poems that I wrote at the beginning of our relationship, and I think they are kind of ironic now.
“Playing With Fire”
I’m playing with fire- and I know this.
I’m playing with fire and even though I’ll get burned
The scars that will be left when I’m healed
Fade from view, ignored by my bittersweet heart.
I’d rather have these emotions
To cling to with counterfeit hope
Than the wisdom of loneliness.
The fire will go out- and I know this.
He is not who I think he is, I am not who he thinks I am.
We are seeing the pictures of each other we long to have;
Not the reality of human distance and imperfection.
Even the imperfections seem golden.
Infatuation tints the canvas of our character
The rosy hues of who we want to be.
But I will dream my dream;
Bask in its quickly fading glory.
I will dance under the African stars;
Wallow in the loneliness of my maiden solitude;
Fly to his side amide the promise of a grand adventure.
All the while knowing that the spell will break
Without the knight waiting for me at the end.
I’m playing with fire- and I know this.
So I will dance on the flames;
Sing sweetly about them as I pine;
And should I finally have that grand adventure,
I will pore the burning embers into the wonder of it all.
Let the fire burn, let the scares come, let pain be my handmaid,
My dreams will be sweet tonight.
~SAH
“Bitter Memories”
I’m waiting for you tire of me,
like an enchanting song
that you played once too many times
I’m waiting for the catch
that thing that makes happiness hollow
leaving you grasping at figmentive wishes.
The Dreamer asks “Where is your hope?”
The Romantic asks “Where are your starry eyes?”
The Bitterness simply says “Remember”
~SAH
Interesting isn’t it…. Sweetest dreams world.
I’d like to take the time to highlight a worthy artist whom I discovered on deviantart.com. I might make this a Christmas tradition. I was really stunned by his most recent post, and I thought many of you would enjoy his work as well. His work comes from around the globe, and I love the international flavor and how he captures moods in his photographs. I also love that most of his picture are of people. I believe that we are all interconnected in ways we will never see, and I find echoes of a common humanity in his work as well. Mostly, the images capture your attention and that’s the kind of photography I enjoy most. So here are some of my favorite from his gallery. If you’d like to see more, go here.
It’s been a blessing to be around family but not have to travel this Christmas. Since the age of 9, I’ve rarely lived in close proximity with my siblings, and there was a while when I didn’t live near any of my family, so I really value the oppertunity to pop over and see them, or see them in church most sundays, or ask my sister’s out to lunch. I love that, and I hope I take full advantage of it as the school year starts and I begin to get busy…really, really busy.
Today was spent getting ready for company tonight. We cleaned the house, and then made lots of food. My grandmother, Lenora, Tobias, and Tobias’s neice and nephew (both in college) came over for dinner tonight. My mom has always been an elegent entertainer, and I’ve enherited that from her, although I’m a bit more relaxed about it. Afterwards we played games, and I taught my mom and grandma dodiju (I really have no idea how that’s spelled any China SSTer want to correct me?). Then I sat and croqueted while my grandma and I chatted a bit. I love when she gets going on old stories. I really know so little about her childhood. I want to learn more. She started one of her stories… when we got electricity. Wow, we’ve come so far….later my mom was talking about some power outages happening the the Carolinas recently and was exclaiming about one that lasted nine days. Such a contrast.
I sent several e-mails today. I wish it were easier to stay in contact with everyone. I have so many wonderful people in my life!!! I’m truely blessed. There’s Carla and Megan from my childhood, and I just got together with Christy who I haven’t seen or heard from since I was 9, but who has stayed friends with Carla and kind of kept up with where I’ve been over the years. We went to elementary together. We sat and talked for over an hour at the Brew the other day. It’s amazing to hear about where she’s been and what she’s been up to.
And there’s Jenn and her family in Oregon who are really like family to me as well. And of course Abby who has taken the time to keep up with me since we all left Western. She even came to Goshen just to see me last school year 
Trevor’s my coach from Oregon who was alot like an older brother to me during high school when I was so far away from my family, and he’s also taken the time and energy to keep up with me and life.
Then there’s Abby, and Meryl and Jess who have been there for me through my years at Goshen, through hard weeks and long nights and breakups and silly moments and China. Becca and Miriam, Katie, Crystal, Fallon, all of these girls have listened to me and had fun with me and confided in me and general just been wonderful, giving friends. Will and Luke have been steadfast friends from freshman year, and as someone who actually has a hard time making and keeping male friends, their friendship is a blessing.
The most recent additions is British Dan (sorry bud, you’re always going to be that to me 
It’s amazing how going through a difficult experience with someone else can create a bond. Dan was a wonderful friend while I was in China and was a listening ear when I just needed to get things out. He also let me use his computer alot which was a much needed tool during the first few weeks in Chengdu. Such a sweetheart. I also have the wonderful oppertunity to stay in contact with Eunice and my roommates and other friends that I meet in China, and I hope that I can continue that contact and possibly even see some of them again some day when I go back to China.
Even though there’s pain associated with all three of my longterm relationships, I learned alot from all three men, and each had a hand in turning me into who I am. Kenny, Zeb, and Jesse have all been blessings in my life and I hope that I am always greatful for the time that they gave me.
Not least of all though is my family whom I love dearly, and sometimes forget that they’re not a given. It’s hard sometimes not to take family for granted or to forget that they are not required to love me. I think the thing I’ve been most greatful for in the past few month has been my family and what a wonderful group of people they really are. I’m very very excited about the new additions. Dancy is a sweet woman who dispite the fact that she barely knows me sent several wonderful and supportive e-mails while I was in China, and I’m very glad that Andre’ is bringing her into the family. And of course the baby that’s coming. It will be wonderful to have a baby in the family again and to watch her or him grow.
The thing is that there are a bunch of people I didn’t even mention. I hope that I always remember that true value lies not in having what I want, but being who I want to be and being able to share that person with people who care. Wow, I’m done with the philosopizing now 
. So yeah, I’m grateful for alot this year, and I hope that you all have a blessed Christmas.
I’m mentally tired of changing my idea of where I’m going to be living for the next 3 months. I’m not settled anywhere, because what would be the point of settling if I’m just going to pick up and move again in a few days? I didn’t say this on my blog, but the past few days I’ve thought that I’d probably be moving into the apartment because another senior girl and stepped up and said she was thinking about living there. But now that’s not going to happen. I’m really ok with whatever happens, I just want to KNOW. I guess I know now that I’m living at home because we’ve pretty much exausted our possibilities…. I’m not mad, or frustrated, just really really ready to feel settled, and have a place that feels like home. So I guess I’ll start working on that in the morning. Oh, and we’re back safe.
Dad and I left after my shift at the Bluegill last night. We took my sister’s honda which happens to be a manual, which I don’t drive. So I learned really quick. Luckily most of it was freeway driving which is just like automatic. I only stalled at one stoplight. Other than that I did pretty well. My aunt that died is my dad’s sister-in-law, and she had 12 kids, many of whom I’ve only meet several of times in my life. It’s good to see all of them again. It’s an interesting family, and it’s fascinating to see the family dynamics. The funeral is tomorrow morning, and we’re leaving right afterwards, and should be home late Monday night. It’s scary that some day I’m going to have to deal with the death of a parent. I’ve never dealt this a difficult death. I was sad when my grandparents died, but I had never been close enough to any of them for it to be a real blow. When Grandma Simpson dies it will be really hard. I’ve gotten to know Grandma as a person, and I love her spirit. I hope I have more time to get to know her.
I found out today that my aunt died. She was my dad’s sister-in-law, and while I didn’t know her terribly well, I’m sad for my dad, and for her kids who I knew better, and remember fondly from my childhood and subsequent family reunions. I will be driving to Missouri with my dad on Sunday and coming back late on Monday. I’ve had a very heavy heart today. I am sad for some recent pain I caused, and am afraid that I have burned bridges I had no intent to burn. I’m sad that as humans we have such a capacity to hurt one another. I wish I was the type of person that always doing the kind thing came more naturally to. I’ve always admired those people. I think that might be one of the virtues at the top of my list. Mostly, I hope that I begin to find more peace, more grace, more gentleness of spirit. I miss inner peace, I haven’t felt it in quite a while. Goodnight dearest world.
get it out!
vent
vent
vent
loosen up.
the long island’s helping
Why!
Did I not have a right to talk about it! wasn’t I kind when I did? Why were you mad!!!! How DARE you be mad?!?
getting it all out.
friends who care… friends who listen…. friends who tell me it’s ok to talk about it…. friends who understand…. friends who have walked the road at my side and felt their own pain… thank you to my friends
A big thankyou to all who have prayed for me, thought about me, talked to me, listened to me (over and over again), encouraged me, and been angry on my behalf. Thankyou from the bottom of my broken heart. You’re helping me heal, you’re helping me be strong, you’re helping me grow. I love you.
Last night I babysat for my 4 nieces and nephews, and although they bicker like kids in a close age range will, it was fun, but most of all, it made Karis so happy! She and Matt got to go out which is something that they don’t get to do very often because Matt’s job isn’t your typical 9-5, and because in PA they didn’t know alot of people to babysit. So Yeah! for making my sister happy
So I promised a post about the good things. First of all, there are so many exciting things going on with my family, it’s almost hard to believe! I haven’t lived near any of my siblings since I was 13 and then it was only for a few months, and before that I hadn’t lived near any of them since I was 9 or 10. I love them dearly, I just don’t know them very well. But NOW! I have both sisters close by, and Karis, Matt and the kids are really close. I’m so excited that I get to see them more often, and Lenora and Karis and I can do more things like what we did last wednesday when we all went out to lunch together. I love the opportunity to get to know all of them better, especially Jenica, Winston, Maria and Nathan. It’ll be a treat to be involved in their day to day lives. Oh, and then there’s the fact that Lenora’s pregnant, so there’s going to be a baby in the family soon, and that Andre’ is getting married to a wonderful woman named Dancy who I already like alot. She sent me the sweetest email when Jesse broke off the engagement.
Speaking of spending time with the kids, another wonderful thing that’s happened since I got back was when I took Maria to see “The Nutcracker” in South Bend. It was Mom and Dad’s Christmas present for her, but Mom found out she couldn’t go, so she sent me. It was so fun, and afterward we went to the South Bend Chocolate Company for hot chocolate and cookies. Yum.
Another blessing happened early in the week, when I went to see Barb (Jesse’s mom) in her office (she works at the college, and I actually knew her fairly well before I started dating Jesse because she was my direct supervisor at admissions). We talked for a while, and then in the evening I stopped by their house to drop off something I got for them in China, and they were sitting down to dinner, and asked me to join them. It was wonderful to be able to talk to them about China like I would have if Jesse and I were still together. I care about Barb and John alot, and really enjoyed getting to know them. I’m sad that I won’t be able to have as close of a relationship with them now, but there was some healing of that wound when I was able to spend time with them, and it was clear that they still care about me. Not that I thought they didn’t, it was just nice to see it. So that’s definitely a highlight.
So is seeing all the friends I’ve missed so much…Katie, Becca, Miriam, Crystal, Fallon, Will, Luke. It’s also been a blessing to see people I care about from church… Mary and Glenn Gilbert, Sue and J.R. Burkholder, Joy Buschert (all members of my small group), Mary Holsopple (my mentor), and Miriah Hurst who was a senior at Goshen when I was a freshman, and has been in Australia for the past few years, but came back to go to AMBS (Associate Mennonite Biblical Seminary for all you non-menno’s out there) I’ve been so warmly welcomed, and that has meant alot.
On Friday, a group of friends and I went down to Indy to see an exhibit of things that were used in the making of The Lord of the Rings. It was pretty cool, especially being able to see the costumes and jewelry. Then we went to this really fun family style dining Italian restaurant that had really good food and an enjoyable ambiance. It was great to be out with friends.
Sooo… there have been many many blessings to help temper the pain of the last week, and now that things have calmed down, I’m starting to be able to relax and really focus on moving on.
Soo… I didn’t blog in the last couple weeks of China SST because I was so focused on doing all the late minute things I wanted to do before leaving Chengdu, and then in Hong Kong and Shanghai there really wasn’t a good place to do it, and now being home I’ve been spending the last week catching up with people and dealing with stuff…..like…
Possibly living in the apartment. First with Suzi and Crystal, then maybe Crystal and Joanne…now I’m just living at home. Phew… that was a stressful few days figuring out that whole mess. Crystal and Suzi are going to have to move out, and I feel so bad for Crystal, and kind of mad at Jesse and Suzi for putting her in this position. If you want my honest opinion, I think they should take responsibility for their actions and pay for the extra person between them. It’s one of the few things about this whole saga that I’m still mad about. Most things I’m just sad about.
So now I still have to move into my room here at home. Did I mention that my parents are in a new house (and so am I) but that most of my stuff is still over at the old house that Karis and Matt are living in now? So that’s going to take time.
I’m starting work on Tuesday. I’m nervous about that because it’s a stressful job already, but I’ve been out of the swing of working for a while, so it’s going to be doubly hard, plus I’m probably going to have to get used to new servers and new server assistants.
Seeing Jesse again for the first time was really hard. So was seeing Suzi. It’s just painful. Not that I hate either of them, and not that we’re not kind to one another (although there have been some things I’d consider unkind coming my way from Jesse… but that’s perspective). It’s just that… it feels like my heart’s being stomped on. The hardest part of this whole thing of coming back has been realizing that I’m not over Jesse. I knew I wasn’t completely over him, but I certainly didn’t think it would be this bad. I can’t believe that I still care about him this much!!! I can’t believe how jealous of Suzi I am.
Another thing that surprised me was how much the stress of everything took a toll on my body. I lost my appetite almost completely, and some points when I tried to eat I really thought I was going to hurl… I’ve been an emotional wreck. AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!……
Soo….. yeah, life has been stressful, and I’ve been having some really hard moments/hours/days in the last week. But there have been some wonderful things too, and I’ll blog about those tomorrow.
I’m just thankful that I have so much to be thankful for. It’s hard to remember sometimes what all of them are, but I can remember that I have alot, and then it puts this pain in perspective. But sometimes I just want to wallow in it too (wrinkly nosed scrunch pouty face)
